Countless Reasons Why

I’ve been seeing reviews and recommendations on the series of 13 reasons why. I’d probably watch it, eventually.

It’s been so long since I spoke of depression and suicide. Sometimes, when people start having deep conversations or discussions, I tend to get lost and at random times, wonder at how different I’ve become, all because I’ve had to shed off my deep thoughts and feelings just to save myself.

No one helped me when I needed it, but, looking back, it was because of God and myself, was I able to stand back on my feet and walk ahead with confidence and fill myself with positive vibes.

When these people opened up about having suicidal thoughts of where they thought that only after death would it make an impact, it triggered my memory. Something I tend to forget, most of the time (I wanted to forget, anyway). It was true. All I kept thinking was seeing different groups of people I knew who would come to my funeral and feeling somewhat regretful. To just end the pain, because it hurt so much. Way more than physical pain. Probably the kind where the brain gets overloaded and the heart feels like it’s been bleeding non-stop and you feel sick for way too long. You’d rather plug out that lifeline than sit on that deathbed, being a vegetable, breathing through a tube and being lifeless. Trying to reach out, but, everyone left, one by one.

I was a deel thinker, since before I went to kindergarten. I knew what people thought and felt. I was way beyond my age. I could understand so much, but at the same time, took too much. That was partly how I learned anything and everything so quickly. That I could do anything I tried. But, being a deep thinker has the danger of going beyond one’s limit and break down. There were other factors and problems all piled up at once in one year, before I broke down and crossed the line.

Yes. I did try to commit suicide once, but, failed and went into hospital. The final blow caused me to do so.

I gave that up. Felt more like a curse than a gift, anyway. That’s when I slowly loosen up and stopped having deep comversations with myself on 10 different topics at once in my head. My memory is pretty bad now. I tend to forget so many things, but, that was my solution because even when I asked for professional help, the nurses and doctors treated me like a lab mouse and laughed behind my back (while I overheard them).

Yeah… I got so pissed that I played along. Have they not met patient number 527 who, from a young age, already knew how to analyze people of any age, based on how they talk and react. What people wanted to hear and see. Where they wanted to head to and when they wish to leave.

I was quiet and still am. But the more matured/older people would tell me that they know who I am. I watch people to learn how they are. Warm, but, cautious.

It’s not worth it. Suicide, that is.

There’s actually so much to do now. Learned way more after all the crap I’ve been through. My bucket list. I got hold of some of my dreams, especially, career-wise. I love travelling around solo. I have my awesome family. My cats. Helping many people, teaching and working in a global non-profit (my job scope now is global instead of just Asia – yeah.. didn’t update my blog on this).

I need to give back. It’s one of the reasons I’m standing. The purpose. Helping others makes me feel empowered and fulfilled, in life.

Whilst my faith in God helps me to move ahead. Yes.. In Sha Allah… the pilgrimage! He gave me trials to be stronger and ready for later times. I must’ve forgotten about Him and became weak, back then. If I did go kapoot at that time, it would’ve meant not going to heaven. =X Lose-lose situation. Lose in life and after-death. But that’s based on my religion.

I hope others will find their reasons and ways to get stronger and to go on. I’m sorry for the pain and the mess. Different people find their way on different terms and timeline. But remember that there is someone out there who cares. Don’t give up. 

Whenever you’re better, hope it’ll be your turn to extend a helping hand in return.

Don’t need to blame others, even if they hurt you. Everyone is going through their own sets of problems. No one ever said that it’s going to be easy.

All the best. God bless you.
❤ Icesabel

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