2016… bday…

Today’s my birthday (25th dec) and 2016 has been mostly unkind to me. Been given trails after trials. Exhausted. So much so that I can’t even cry anymore.

My husband’s grandpa just passed away an hour back. I’ve known his family as long as I’ve been with him for the past 13 years. After being married, I moved in to his grandparent’s house as he has been staying there his whole life (while we wait for our own house to be ready). The only other person I saw in my dream who passed away peacefully was my late grandpa who took care of me when I was young. I had a dream last night that his grandpa passed on peacefully. I would never blame anyone for this day (my bday). I just hope his family can be strong, the way I broke down for months (quietly by myself) when my grandpa passed on. May all of you be in Jannah.

I failed my certification exam earlier this week. A turnaround from my 3As for my diploma which I graduated from about 2 months back. Told the person who wanted to hire me once I got that cert my bad news and thanked him anyway. God bless him for showing support, though.

During those weeks, I was having a hell ride with the new director.

During that, HR didn’t see me as loyal and I was the only one not given the 5 years appreciation because I was away for 3 months.

Before that, I was breaking down because of the amount of stress, as I was handling so much work alone. Something HQ will be looking into next year, though.

For the first time in my life, I nearly fainted in the train and experienced that close-to-blackout moment because I was low on sugar, on the way to work.

Before that, someone made me missed my morning prayers during the morning of Eid Mubarak because she decided that her family matters, which had no conclusion, dragged on for hours. I was very disappointed. I wouldn’t mind if it was resolved, but, if it’s meant to be only about fighting for hours to no point of closure. It’s a waste of time. Especially on  a day when I can only do once a year.

Earlier this year, I didn’t get to be the best IT because I wasn’t working after office hours, public holidays and weekends. When I was the one handling all except HQ stuff for the global team before the regional team was formed.
It would be unfair to my life’s book to only state out the negative. I did get my diploma, after a year’s of hard work. I travelled to UK twice and Thailand twice. I got selected for emergency response training. I made more close friends. I have my health (except for that moment) and still have what I need to carry on. I  have my family. I’m going to have my own place, eventually. Still have a roof over my head and good food.

Hubby said that I should put in more priority to our house, knowing well I’m saving up to go Mecca with my mum. For all I know, I would prioritise my time with my mum and God. Not to say I won’t find a way to pay everything else. But, my mum’s already 60+ and there might not be another chance to do what I’ve always wanted to (she already declined my offer many times before). If there’s a will, there’s a way.

I have no idea how I can be so positive throughout all these mess. For all I know, I’ve always been scared that the depression that once wanted to take my life years ago, would come back. Maybe I’m tired of being weak and allowing issues to take over. I don’t know.

I don’t care if others don’t understand the theory or reasoning (unless they’ve been there). All I know is, I love God and that is enough.
❤ Icesabel


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