I’ve been given more time and a clearer mind to think for the past few days, which is nice.
As far as I can remember, I have a phobia of losing God’s love. Hmmm… How do I explain this?
Like everyone else, my life isn’t always smooth-sailing. Tested on a lot of points.. such as faith, patience and so on. Still trying to stay strong. But, there is a particular spiritual test, that, I’ve been going through nearly all my life. It stopped for a while and although, I was glad to be rid of the problem, I became afraid. Afraid that, maybe, He didn’t love me anymore. That, I would eventually lose it.
When I was younger, I kept asking, how do you fear and love God at the same time? How do you do it without being fake and not doing it because you have to? I don’t find it a good reason to not sincerely feel or do something. What’s the point? Who am I fooling? Definitely, not Him.
I don’t want to do things because I was merely told to, by someone. Sure, I was born into the religion and brought up to go for Islamic classes, since, I was a small girl. But, I never wanted to do something because my guardians, teachers or whoever else told me to. I wanted reasons.
I wanted to do it, because, I feel it. Know it. Eventually, understand it. Not because of people, but, purely because of Him. For real. Not because I was born into something. Sincerely and truly.
I can’t tell anyone how it is to reach this “destination” either. Each person goes through their own life path. They mold their own choices and change their own future.
I thought that I had a very weak soul. Then again, maybe I do. But, I was wondering why I would always cry over every single thing that touched my heart. A broad range of them, from poor or disabled people to doing something wrong to always feeling afraid that I would lose His love. For real. Now, how do I explain it in layman’s term? The level of fear and pain is higher than the feeling when I became heartbroken from a failed relationship I was deeply into. Similar to the fear and sadness I feel when I lose someone I love (family). It’s scary.
If I were to say I have a phobia. This is mine.
Just thinking about it right now, there’s probably a ninja cutting onions beside me. 😥