A little something

Ramadan is approaching.
The fasting month starts this Thursday and my head is playing out something.

A year and a half has passed.
I neither want an interpretation nor know what others think.
I’ve kept this in for a little too long and I thought I could keep it that way.
But, it feels a bit… too bottled up.

The reasons to why I wanted to keep mum instead of being my usual self of being an open-ended book…
Is because hatred and jealousy can easily be implanted in one as easily as one breathes air.

Before I start.
I’d have to admit that I sin (from the obvious of improper clothing coverage) and am imperfect.
Have a shaky hold of the 5 pillars of islam, well, except faith.
I feel that I’m not worthy to even see him, every time I get a recollection.
Every single time, I cry.
Where ever I may be.

Come to think of it.
All I have is faith..
And… I tend to have a habit of talking to God nearly all the time.
I actually still remember talking to God during my kindergarten years.
But, no one knows though.
Why would I tell anyone that, anyway? /shrugs
There was no reason to.

Back then, I enjoyed and learned the Muqaddam and then, moved to Quran, without anyone telling me to.
Memorised more of those than of English-based studies.
It… came to me naturally.
Like I always say, I do things that make me happy.

I was a deep thinker.
Understood too many things at a young age, with or without experience (going through something first-hand).
The kind of person who looks into many ends of a story or problem.
Most of all, I tend to think in other people’s shoes to understand why things happen and for what reason.

Maybe people would think that I’m talking to myself (in my head – I don’t speak it out).
But… well… I don’t think so.
Just that… I don’t feel alone.

Throught these 30+ years of my life, I’ve noticed and noted that there are 2 reasons to why I’d fall sick. Either I’m too tired from life, may it be a high level of stress or mentally/physically weak, or I forgot God, inclusion of skipping prayers.

I ask a lot of questions.
I need reasons.
Correlations between things.
Not exactly one who follows blindly, but, I still have faith.
Faith in God whom I cannot see.

Though, respectful to those of other religions or even without one.

Maybe I’ve lost my way a little.
And this is why, but, let’s leave it as it is, for now.

Alright, let’s get this out my system then.

~~~~~

It was as though we (I will talk about it in a while) were on top of roofs.
But, those designed like a Moroccan rooftop, although, throughout the whole place, the roofs were just plain empty.
The buildings and the roofs were mostly white in colour.
I cannot recall why or how I was there, but, I was just suddenly there.

In front of me, was a man talking to another man.
There were others around us, although, the rest seemed pretty far away.
The man on the right was young, wearing garments covering his body and head, plus, he was looking and talking to the guy on my left, so, I could barely see the face of the right’s.
It took some time for me to suddenly hear myself say he’s Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.
Referring to the one on the right.
He was wearing white and another colour that I cannot recall.
In my heart, I was hoping to see his face, but, I couldn’t.
It was as though he was telling them something, but, it was silence from my location.
But, I was probably about 3m away, they were on another roof in front of me.

After what seemed like some time, he turned and everyone bowed down.
I felt my body being forced into prostration position.
I was confused, because, I did not know where I was, why I was there and who the people around me were.
It felt as though my body became heavy and controlled.
It wasn’t as if I was denying it, but, it just felt like so.
No, it doesn’t feel like someone is pushing me.
It just felt that my body did it on its own will.
Thus, I never saw his face.
Everyone around me went into the same position.
All were men.
There he was, walking towards me, but, I didn’t know if he ever went near me.
Because the next thing I knew, everything went bright.
Then I heard, “Allahu Akbar”.
Actually, the whole of “Takbir Eid” (in video below).

Suddenly, woke up with a start.

~~~~~

A few months later (last year), something weird happened.

I was sleeping and suddenly (apparently, still asleep), I went into a bowing/prostration (on my bed) towards the direction of the Kaaba, where we’d face when we do our prayers.
Kept saying “Allahu Akbar” non-stop.
Then, I woke up, while saying it and still in that position.

That’s that.

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