That competitive perfectionist

Maybe I’m exhausted.
Truly tired.
That I just had to let out a stream of tears out in the morning.

Long story short, being blamed again with the CIO (seriously…??!!) and a few others copied in for something that was beyond my capability, I have been doing my best as much as I can for everyone and I already had a feeling who he was actually blaming at, even though, the way I read it, he mentioned it as me.
But, a while later, after I apologised, even on behalf of the others’ who might be the reason for the problems, that person apologised for hurting me and explained who he was actually blaming at, yeah… without copying anyone else, but, my boss.
Um… yeah… -.-”
I know he’s been in a lot of stress and pressure anyway.
Those issues are going to be looked at by the higher end, so, I guess it’ll be fixed eventually.

I didn’t cry because I was sad or angry though.
I mean… why would I be so upset, if, I know that I wasn’t in the wrong.
It’s just that I’m frustrated at knowing the fact that I’m still a freaking perfectionist and no matter, what I’m way too soft and sincerely love my own region team and the other regional guys of my level.
I’m always acting tough and “fighting” like a guy a lot of times.
But, I know I have my weaknesses as the “weaker” sex.
Somehow, I hate it.
I give way too much dedication.

I can’t freaking always protect everyone all the time.
When will I learn all these and burn it in my head?

Since young, all I wanted to do was delve into what I’m passionate in.
I went here and there, in search of what I enjoy doing and to fall in love, with respect, with the right groups of people (even though I’m really truly an awkward person and loves my me-time way more than being social in any way).
I don’t talk a lot, except with those I’m really comfortable with.
But, with all these people, I can be who I am… talk the way I talk, without wearing a mask like an average soul in different situations.

Here I am.
Frustrated at being too passionate.
For trying too hard.

Sometimes, I hate it that I stand ground to my own principles.
It makes me seem too rigid and strong-headed and controlling.

To the point that from early this year, I’ve quietly decided to cool down.
Lay off the work and stop being too much of a workaholic.
I still am, but, not as much and someone else has definitely taken over my “throne” of being a workaholic in the global team.
I’m jealous.
But, I need to lay off.
If it’s my day off, including weekends, it’s off limits.
Once in a while, fine… only when I really have nothing else to do, nothing better to do and bored to death.

I hate it that I’m competitive by nature and I’ve been holding myself back… a lot.
Most of the time, not vs others, but, myself.
That thing about me that I love learning and innovating way too much.
That sets my standards a little too high for me to reach, at times.

It’s like…
Being in a relationship and you give and give and give unconditionally.
Because of love… passion… dedication.
You get a little bit of hit and misses, here and there.
Until you realise that you should take a step back…

I feel relieved right now.

The crying let out all the negative vibes.

At the end of it all…
When I do things that I love… that’s when I’m truly happy.
Even with all the other downfalls.
Nothing beats that.
I should know.
I had to leave and go back, just to find out what I was really missing and whether it was “the one”.
At least, in this phase of my life.

Anyway, I’m going on a trip next week.
Lots of sight-seeing and shopping to do!
Woo hoo!

❤ Icesabel


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