It’s talking to itself

Was told that people like me are “killing ourselves”.
I replied with “I know”.

It’s been a week since I sent in my resignation letter that I withdrew the next day.
With a verbal agreement that I’d stay until the end of this month to see if things will change.
I must’ve been a b**ch for them to tell me I’m needed.
It wasn’t about that.
I was overworked and frustrated.

Don’t know how or why, but, even someone who I didn’t talk to told me he felt sorry for me.
That the truth was that there were tons of problems piled up for years and he can see them dump everything to me… in 2 weeks to rectify a whole lot.
The last part surprised me.
“It’s not worth it losing your sleep over this”.
Note that I’ve not spoken to him.
Only once to check on his computer and he was asking a couple of things.

Maybe I’ve became an open book for the first few weeks.
Was going bonkers in the inside, but, smiling on the outside.
Exhausted…. yes… exhausted every single day.. except for Sunday when I could really rest, but, the thought of Monday creeps in and makes me lethargic all over again.

I didn’t even see that I’ve done much, but, they said I did.
That’s when I was told that this will “kill” me.
My perfectionism is back full-fledged after years of being mostly dormant.
I’m afraid.
Because at times, my head talks so much that I nearly blurt things out verbally of the train of thoughts.
It’ll make me seem like a crazy person talking to myself, in public.

Yet, my head could solve problems that I’ve never came across before.
I’ve never used a couple of the applications.
In fact, they were so customised that I had to do trial and errors on all their programs.
Yeah.. I’m half IT applications and half IT operations now, instead of my years of being in operations or programming/designing.
In the midst of handling the chaotic operations side.
And…
It’s only been 3 weeks!
Not to mention the other night when I dreamt of the solution to a problem?
I shouldn’t even be surprised if I do go a little cuckoo.

It’s sad that I can’t control it fully.
Even more sad that I didn’t nurture it when I was younger and had “lesser” burdens and problems.

But, a part of me says it’s not worth it.
Pushing on this hard.

At times, I love the thrill.
I love it when I achieve my goals and to cross over the roadblocks.
I love it that I’m learning a lot in such a short time.

But, it’s draining my energy too quickly as well.
Thus, at times, I become so angry.
Then, I hear that voice echoing “I can’t do this any more”.

*Although, I got this going (below)… which is nice*
The other day, when all was nearly lost and before I sent that notice…
I was with a group who used to be in one of my past jobs.
Most of them didn’t know me since I left 4 years back and they were the newer batch.
One said that it was surprising to see things put into order and perfection when he joined.
Someone replied, it was me (ermm.. not the person) who had placed the foundation.
They used to be in chaos as well.

These are the reasons why I’d say that I know it’s killing me, but, I won’t change.
The results last long after I’m gone.
It’s not that I don’t want to change.
I do love as much as I hate.
Yet, I don’t know why this time around, it’s a little too much.

Come to think of it…
On the last day of my last job…
(Don’t remember the conversation) But, when I said I’m a Capricorn.
They said… they know.

What the chocolate fudge~
Was I always like this?
An open book even when I rarely talk to them?

>_>

Okay… I’m going to do some laundry and off to bed early.
Tired.

❤ Icesabel

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10 thoughts on “It’s talking to itself

  1. We know we can talk like Socrates or whatever and say you needed to take it easy. You know.. but something is telling you not to… don’t let work dictate your life.
    I know we said it before. And I am not blaming you for going all out.. you wouldn’t if you did not enjoy it after all. Despite the hard work you love it.
    You need a hug or something to hold you on solid ground for a moment.. knowing full well you are doing a great job.. Good at what you do. but do it with a rested mind… deligate operate and recreate.

    Smile Princess.. you are the throne. hugs xx

  2. Well I’m glad that you have found a way to understand what is known as, “The semi-circle of Rhythm.” Basically you allow the pendulum to balance its swing between work and rest, so that you work from your rest just as much as you rest from your work.

    Hope things are looking up for you. Must feel like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders huh?

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