Sometimes, I wish that I’m a little more different (on this matter).
When others become emotional or need “support”, I can’t really give that special hug or put it into kinder words.
I feel awkward and I just wish I wasn’t there to begin with.
Not that I’m not emotional or don’t care.
I can’t stand seeing someone sincerely being pitiful in any way.
I’m that person who cries and dies inside silently.
It’s just that, I didn’t grow up in an environment where I could share those “tender womanly love” or was given that kind of treatment.
I grew up telling myself the facts of life that made me live on and stay strong.
I’m more like those guys who could neither put feelings into words nor show it out to the world, in an instant.
Sometimes, I can see that they need it.
I seem to look heartless… emotionless.
Sometimes, I want to give something, but, I can’t.
Words that flow out from me sound more like telling you how to be strong in a very rigid way… factual, to say the least.
At times, I do care to the point that I do want to change.
But, most of the time, I allow my ego to rule the best of me.
If possible, I prefer moving out of the way from others most of the time.
Once in a while, I wish I could apologise profusely to how I (don’t) react and know how I should’ve reacted.
But, in the end, I don’t want to.
Because if I wasn’t this way, I wouldn’t have been alive at all.
What do they all know about me anyway?
Not that I care if they don’t, but, I have that reason and more to why I stand ground to who I am.
Maybe I’m essentially… selfish.
They’ve got their reasons to be so.
No blaming.. no finger-pointing.
But, if one needs that love (whether out of real concern or courtesy), you’ll have to count me out.
The saddest part is that… all these reminds me of my own mother.
I’ve never once.. not wonder if I’m like her in many ways.
In that, I use more of my brain than my heart to understand what she does is out of love.
It doesn’t mean that once I go through one path, that I will be just the same.
In the sentence above.. I mean… if I grew up without love that doesn’t mean that I will not give love in return as I grow older.
As in.. I will not do upon others what others do upon me.
I’ll choose what I want to do based on what I deem as alright at that very moment.
I’m sorry if I didn’t say “I’m sorry”.
Be assured that, if I do speak, I will tell you what I really think will make you stronger (although, might not necessarily be emotionally better).
Be assured that you will be in my mind when I pray.
Be assured that it’s sincere and not because I feel sorry for you out of pathetic pity or courtesy.
That’s just me and somehow, I’m not sorry for being me.
They call me the “non-hugger”.