Peace

Dear Diary,

It has been a long time since I really looked back.
Reflect and remember.

For a couple of years now, I have been taking things one at a time and not looking back, at least, not for long.
I tend to forget a lot of things.
Only because I do not allow my memory to infuse and attach itself to me.
Ever since that incident years back.

I had some time off whilst I was on my travels a few days back (for work).
Went to a beautiful peaceful river beside a gorgeously decorated pier brimmed with lights and the sky filled with stars.
I could’ve sworn that I have not felt at peace exactly like that… entirely relaxed and purely happy without any reason from the “outside world”.

And… I finally decided to be the old me… again… for just that moment.

I’ve changed throughout the course of my life.
I notice it and embrace the change because I wanted it to be like so.
But, if I were to look back, I was quite a different person altogether.

Now, if I were to choose to think deeply, I’d just regress and fall back into having to think so much.
It was a defensive mechanism on my part.
Because of a part of my past.

As much as I want to deny, I was a runner.
Not as much now.

I run away from anything and everything.
In some ways, it’s good.
In many other cases, it seems as though, I sometimes see it as a negative point that exudes being weak.
That was how I used to deal with pain, loss and heavy burdens that come my way.

That is why I loved to game since I was young.
That peace… that life… that reality wouldn’t give to me.
Then, that turned to daydreams.
Which in turn, sometimes, turned to reality.

It’s not greener on any side.
I know that fact.
But, I also know that I tend to find alternatives instead of going full head-on to something when a part of me have given up hope.
Those alternatives usually call for “running away”.

I tried that once in real life.
I wanted to migrate and all ready with my visa which has already been approved of.
But, things took a change.

That’s… me.
Whether I want to deny that section of myself or not.
It’ll eventually slide past my sensible self.

Oh…
How I respect those who are strong (mentally and emotionally).
How they are able to always stand ground to their principles and not sway away or run off into something that might take them to a wrong turn.
But, then again… how would we know it would’ve been wrong in the future anyway?

I wish I could lock myself into that moment for longer.
I would’ve said that I don’t believe in perfection.
That moment seemed too perfect to be real.
But, it is.

Time will tell… how things should be.

 

❤ Icesabel

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