My letter to my mum… maybe.

I’ve never been so humiliated in my life until today.

My partner’s big family (parents and grandparents) came down to see my parents.
In Malay customs, we do this just to show respect and to discuss of the wedding and whatnot.

I thought that my mum had finally given her blessings.
I THOUGHT.
I was so wrong.

Her words shot into me non-stop the whole hour.
Everything she said was mainly blaming me for every single thing.
Even wanting to say she agreed to the wedding, was as though she was forced to do so.
In addition to that, I was being humiliated with saying so many negative things with which were actually not my fault.
How many times have I tried to work it out.
Talk to her.
Now, she’s pushing it back as though I’ve never tried to talk to her… I’ve never tried to reason with her.
That I’m a child who would go against her elders.

I have been patient with her all my life, just because she’s my only mum and the fact that no matter what she has done or said to me, I still wouldn’t want to lose her.

If she was doing so just based on pride.
Actually, if one were to think it over, the child will grow up based on how the parent brings him/her up.
If I was really a problematic child, wouldn’t it mirror back at her to show how she wasn’t a good parent to start with?

I just kept shut the whole while because I knew that if I were to voice out.
She’d just go berzerk and not allow me to get married.
Then, I’d be back to the the starting point again.

I love her.
But, I don’t understand her theory of what she thinks is right.
Everything I say or do can be done against me, now and in the future.
Everything will always be my fault no matter what.
I’m the black sheep of the family.

That’s what I’ve been labelled with and I’m sure it’ll stay so for a very long time.
I thought that she would reason out and not even say harsh things in front of my future husband’s family.
It would reflect on how her real self is.
I actually don’t want anyone to see her strict and untamed side.
But, she showed it on her own and I can’t mutter a thing.
I was already trying my best not to cry in front of them.

FUCK!
Yes, I don’t swear. Never in all these years in my blog, but, this is my limit.

It wasn’t my fault that I was a breech baby.
That born with my butt first is disrespectful and nearly killed her and for all these years I stayed disrespectful.
What is it that I’ve said or done that is disrespectful?
For all everyone can see.
It’s her ego and some sort of mindset that no one can understand.
Not even my own dad or siblings.

Now his family has seen what I’ve been telling them all these years.
They wanted to visit my parents last year.
But, as I’ve even posted here last year, she told me that she would leave the house if they were to come here.
That she wouldn’t forgive me.
I couldn’t reason out with her.
Not once did I raise my voice.
I was desperate for her to just let me choose what I want for myself.
And now it’s my fault that she said they didn’t have a chance to talk or that I didn’t bother to tell her anything.
What?
SERIOUSLY… WHAT?
I  was never given a chance to speak.
No.. wait.. She never bothered to listen to me.
Everything I say simply means that I’m disrespectful.
Because whatever I think and say is nothing.
Her words rule it all.
She is always right.
I’m wrong.
Everyone else is wrong.

Apparently, his grandparents and parents said that they know the truth.
I think I’m way closer to them than with my own parents.
I tell them more things and open up to them than with my own.
Not that I’ve never tried to do so with my own mum.
She just wouldn’t accept anything.

I just want to get over this.
Just when I thought that I would miss this place.
I’ve been proven wrong.

But, how can she say crap about me?
She said NOTHING good about me.
Nothing.

How freaking BAD am I?
Tell me?!!!!!!!

I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs or am violent.
I HATE clubs or bars or anywhere crowded and can’t stand the smell of cigarettes and alcohol.
Crap.. I can’t even stand drinking caffeine as much.
I go home before midnight.
I don’t dress like a hooker.
I don’t swear (unless like now because I can’t take it any more).

I’m a idiotic workaholic IT geek who’s always only gaming, learning and standing up/speaking out for what I think is right.
Going out there to do as much as I can for others.

I’ve admit all my life that I’m not patient.
Thus, I can throw a tantrum when I’ve been pushed to the brink of my own sanity.
But, I will not disrespect an elder.
That is my virtue.

And I’m still considered a piece of crap.
Yeah.. I sure am.

I give up.
I really do.

All my life, since young, all I’ve ever done in my life was to want her to be happy and be proud of me.
The other parents of those the kids my age, since I was young, were jealous and proud of all my achievements.
Seriously, mum?
I have so many medals, certifications, won so many competitions in arts, music, sports and so many subjects all my life.
You were NEVER there to see me perform or win anything (except once in my whole life).
I’m the one who should be depressed… NOT YOU.

You hated everything I did.
In fact, you were against the fact that I did all these.
You didn’t want me to learn musical instruments or run or martial arts or even arts.
You told me to quit.
I went against that and still went on with it.
You hated it.
I thought it was because you wanted me to excel in my studies.
MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m a competitive perfectionist… don’t you get it?
I got recognised for my subjects in school.

Actually, even until now.
I’m working in a humanitarian job, doing IT and have just been promoted and accredited by the CIO and my regional IT boss.
Everyone seems to be so nice and respect me at work, my regional team, the global IT team, all the directors in the region.

Yet, I can never make one person be proud of me.
My own blood mother.

I don’t know what else I can do.
I’m not a perfect human.
I’m not a saint.
I have faults… but, what exactly have I not done to make her happy at the slightest bit?
Yet, all she sees is what she thinks she sees.
What is it that she sees anyway?

For the life of me, I am unable to comprehend or understand her at all.

I can try to save others around the world.
But, I can’t even save my own mother from herself.
😥

 

</3 Icesabel

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9 thoughts on “My letter to my mum… maybe.

  1. It is hard to like but to like the fact you speak up. To do things wrong I get. I know. I do to. But to have a parent telling me off i might be lucky off not having.
    i am sorry to hear about your Mum. I could never imagine how this would feel to you.
    Please keep on smiling and go kill some online hehe game on and keep smiling lady.

  2. This is such a sad story. Where is the mothering instinct? The mother love? I hope that you come to realize that what is wrong is with your mother and not you.
    She must be hurting deep inside to be so mean spirited (this is not to condone her at all).
    A love for a mother goes so deep and although you are not receiving her love it doesn’t mean that you stop loving her. For the greatest love is one that is unconditional and if you can reach that that you will be free of pain and her behavior will no longer touch you.
    I sincerely wish this for you:)

    • Thank you so much. Maybe there’s a perfectly sound reason for all these happening, but, until then, I’ll just have to still hope with all my might things will take a turn someday. 🙂 thanks again. Take care as well.

  3. Hey babe..
    I can’t say I understand exactly how you feel. But I went through something similar a few years back. My dad and I constantly bickered about almost anything and it seemed like every little thing I do was wrong in his eyes. One day he did something that almost ruined my chances of graduating from Lasalle. We had a huge fight and cos of that, I left home and till now am not living with them, although our relationship is much better now.

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I hope one day your relationship with your mum will be better and hope that atleast time will soften her heart. I’m pretty sure you are a strong lady, judging from the fact that you are where you are now despite all that has happened between your mum and you all these years. It’s good to know that you are very close to your partner’s family. I hope one day things will be better for you, Insyaallah.

    • In Sya Allah. I really do hope so because even if I were to say I give up, it’s just that I won’t do anything else. But, inside, I still want us to have that mother-daughter relationship that most girls get to have. Some day.. Maybe. Thank you. 🙂 good to hear that yours have improved. Take care!

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