This was them

Dear Diary,

The past few weeks, I was thinking and did some “recommendation” comments in Linkedin.
For my ex-bosses and ex-colleagues.
I sure have a weird way of saying things about people.
Just me being honest.

Took some time-out to just remember who they are, where they were from, how they were, etc.
Realised how MUCH I’ve learned from each and every one of them.
How I appreciate it.
I was a total noobcake.
Not only professionally and work-related, but, as a person, I was too soft, quiet and easily broken down.
It could just be as simple as an indirect advise given as a friend.
Or as remotely higher level in handling work-related issues.
I remember attentively listening.
Good or bad, sieving out what I should learn from the bad and what I should remember about the good.

It’s always tough starting out.
For everyone, it is, no matter what you aspire to achieve or do.

Never look down on anyone.
They may be a high-flyer or a small fry.
Treat them with respect and patience.
The cleaner made the place a more conducive place to work.
I don’t talk much, but, I’d always remember to say thank you and give a smile.
Always do my own cleaning (then again it’s my habit to do so).

As far as I can remember, I’ve been whining about being afraid to step up to lead.
Only because I wanted to stay childish and want other leaders to carry the heavier responsibilities.
Well, if I were to read my old posts, I’d probably see this feature about me a lot.
Yet, for the past few months, unknowingly, I was leaving that safety net and being so proactive that it made me mentally tired.
But… left me satisfied.
Now, the management want me to lead the team… officially recognised.
Somehow, I’m not even thinking twice about leading (although I’m still whining about the working hours).
The team has been asking for someone to lead them since I joined.
It’s just that my job didn’t expect me to look after the region in my first year working with them.
But, the opportunity came.
The team was actually asking my boss, but, I seem to always take charge and brought things to light as quickly as I could.
Until eventually, they started to ask me instead.

One thing I’m still sure about myself is that there’s still something I’m not capable of, which only my boss can do.
The talking.

I’m still childish as ever.
I treat everyone as though they’re my friend.
So whether it’s a serious issue or something that can be brushed off, I’ll talk in a casual manner.
I’m just used to being like so and I thought that I had to change to lead (aka to be more serious as a “senior”).
I’m not saying that I joke all the time, but, I sure am serious when I need to.

Remember 2 different ladies I spoke about quite a while back?
One didn’t know much about her work-scope when she first joined and tried to blame me for every technical issue and I finally burst out and gave her a piece of my mind?
The other where everyone didn’t like her and everyone was applauding me for giving her a mind of my own because of a problem she brought up?
They’ve changed tremendously!
Even the second one, yes… seriously!
She even tried to be friendly to everyone around her.
I thought that the first one was only acting nice to me so I would help her with her work.
But, I can see that both have genuinely changed.
I’m nice as long as they don’t try their luck in stepping out of the boundaries.

Truthfully, I was like that at one point in time.
Many times that I’ve said that one vice about me is being impatient.
Until someone raised his voice at me and I woke my bloody head up and controlled my temper.

For the life of me, I can’t teach people.
Others thought that since I was good with my studies that I could teach.
I was so impatient with my little sister that I told my elders that it’s best not to let me teach, just after a few days.
I love her a lot and knew that it’s better not to ever raise my voice at her.
Especially since she’s innocent in that matter and I had no right to be like so.

Different people have their own pace of learning.
Mine seems to be bam.. bam.. speeding.. bam!
It’s just my impatient nature to read and learn really quickly.
That I love learning so much.
I soak up too fast and lose a lot as well.
Just that, I can’t go on a slower pace as a lot of people.
My impatience will just get the best of me most of the time and I’d just honestly say to them that it’s best if I step back.
So, I wouldn’t explode.
I truly have no right to be angry at someone just because they can’t be on par with me.
That was how I controlled my attitude.

Childish as I may be, I think I’d still do things my way.
I’m scared of leading because these people are way older, more experienced and matured than me in so many levels.
Sure, they were cheering for me when the announcement broke.
But, I respect them more than anything else.
I can learn from them way more than they can from me.

I have to move forward eventually.
I can’t stay in my zone of wanting freedom all the time.

Gosh… God, please protect me.
This is not something I’m ever used to.
Feeling scared.
I’m not exactly a leader.
I’d prefer to be the quiet brain chipping in in the team.

They’ve been wanting that someone for some time already.
It’s time to “man up”.
It’s time for me to face my issues and go forward.


❤ Icesabel



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