Why do you go on?

Be warned that if you’ve yet to watch the “Gravity” movie and don’t want to get any ideas on the plot, skip the upcoming and the last paragraph.

Not really sure what you’ll learn out of the movie or like/loathe about it.
But, it strike a chord when she started to give up and eventually, give in to suicide.
I’m not that well-versed in this topic, but, “I’ve been there… done that”.


Sometimes, I still read and talk to people who is or used to be there before.
Like I was, they struggle to find a reason to move ahead.
While I was struggling to get out of the vicious cycle and standing on the edge, my ADHD was still around to kick my butt to do a whole lot of research.
To think that those who have never gone through it or at times, doesn’t have anyone close to them having it, think that it’s a choice or a scream of wanting attention.

Although, I always gave people a chance.
Again and again, they seem to fail me and would continuously make me lose trust in people little by little.
Let’s just say, I became an experimental guinea pig at one point in time and medical people (the ones who should’ve been more understanding) thought differently of me as if it wasn’t an illness in itself.
Lost faith in humanity because of all those incidents.

When I finally crawled out of the black hole, I actually wanted to shed off my IT skin and wished to dip my toes into psychiatry.
While I was taking my degree in finance, I took up sociology and psychology which were the only reasons why I could force myself to go to for classes.
Yes, I hate finance with a passion.
I was the person in the auditorium class who would sit at the front and when there were guest lecturers, I would just raise my hand up randomly or answer out loud without a care.
I loved it, but, who would’ve thought that I would’ve needed to know more about the human mind than just the scratch of the surface.

Unfortunately, yeah… I’m a tad bit too honest and couldn’t land myself in the field, because to them, I was considered mentally and emotionally “not strong” enough to handle most situations because of my past.
But, throughout those years, even whilst I was still having it, I was blogging my way to helping others my own way.
Life took a different turn and I stopped doing so though.

I saw the worse out there.
Most of all, I gave my everything to others rather than to myself and that gave me a sense of purpose.
It’s easy to run away.
But, to go head on with the real problems, makes you crawl on to a whole new level.

I did learn one thing though.
It’s genetic because one lady from each generation in the family gets it and I’m in my generations’ line.
But, I’ve also grasp the hidden beauty of it.
That, those women are the strongest ones I’ve ever met.
To have had to go through tough lives of being dirt poor and some, tough marriages and whatnot during their time.
They made it through.
All everyone else can see is a somewhat peaceful old age with everyone still together as a family.
Oh no… I’ve got a lot to catch up on and without more trials in life, I’d probably stay stagnant as well.

Therefore, yes, what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger.
If you do know where to go to and what to do.

The other day, someone messaged me and said how I’m being envied of where I am right now.
Hmmm… but, most, if not all, do not know that I had to take so many routes through dark passageways to do what I want to.
Still… I’m not who I want to be yet.
So full of flaws and still with the stupidity of youth.
I’d admit that because I still can’t let go of being rebellious on certain things.

I know it.. I always need to pull myself down to the ground all the time.
But, if not for being an egoistic dumbarse hot-tempered fighter, I’d probably wouldn’t be around right now.
I know some people would be happy for that… haha~ XD
I might be an irritating being, but, that would’ve negated the fact that those I’ve helped are still living on.
I wouldn’t mind if they could’ve done it in my place instead.
One is probably still reading my blog.


Actually, it does eventually become a choice at one point in time.
When that point comes, grab it and make the best out of the situation.
Not everyone is lucky enough though.
While I know of some who have the help of a good psychiatrist or friends or family (thank your blessings).
There were those who didn’t have anyone around like I did (it then becomes a just a matter of… time, questioning and perspective…).
With no one to alleviate the pain.

The protagonist of the movie had her senior to trigger a series of choices for her to take.
Just like in reality, it’s as heart-wrenching as it is heart-warming to hear from survivors.



❤ Icesabel


2 thoughts on “Why do you go on?

  1. Irritating enough to keep others from making a mistake. Been there done that. seen shit and swam in it. But it is what made us today. Annoying entities who learn from everything around us and give that away. Never thinking of oneself. But that is just my form of running away. We always move forward.;)

    • Just don’t like seeing people go through this phase, knowing that it is possible to avoid a wrong choice. It’s like seeing a repeat telecast of my own roller coaster ride, but, on a different stage based on their own different problems. On one hand, a lot will turn out into awesome people if they survive, but, if they survive. Ugh… I sound morbid.
      Well, yes.. we “storm the front”!


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