Forgive and.. forget?

To forgive.
If one was to still feel something negative lingering about, you may say you’ve forgiven that someone…
But, deep inside, you’ve not done so sincerely and whole-heartedly.

I hate that feeling.
It sucks out my energy.
Not that I choose to want to feel negative.

It’s more of a built-in defense mechanism.
I stay away from that person as much as possible.
Not that they’d give me anymore problems, or, at the very least, much problems.

Once someone gives me a (not those small petty issues) horrendous impression.
May it be through big quarrels, making me frustrated, very angry or sad.
It’ll stay implanted in me when I go about my business and, in fact, I wasn’t even reminded of the past.
It’s like naturally giving the cold shoulder.
It’s not hatred.
I will not push away people who need me or my help or expertise.
It’s the feeling of “I don’t feel like dealing with you closer than where we are right now”.

Maybe because it’s being done in own family for years.
My grandmother and mother did it to me since I was very young.
They don’t need to speak a word to me, but, I can feel their anger…
Whenever I do something not to their liking.
It actually stings badly.
I’d go into remorse and reflect on the issue.
Doesn’t work from anyone else, other than the two of them.

I think I’m doing so with those at work too.
Feels like a grudge, but, not quite, because I’m not asking for anything negative towards them.
In fact, I’ll only hope and pray that they’d change for the better.
‘Cause I’m no better and not perfect either.
My bad attitude will arise when it comes to it.

Eventually, the negative feeling will wane off.
But, if, the more a person tries to make up for the earlier issues, the more I’ll feel pissed.
It’ll only feel staged and fake.
It’s unfair.. I know.. people can and will change.

In fact, I’m so strange that when a person is way too nice to me, I’ll get angry.
Yes, even if something seems very positive.
It.. just… feels… fake.
I’m not saying I like negative vibes, but, a little disagreements here and there, makes a person real.

I believe it’s time to give them the benefit of a doubt.
I don’t like what I’m feeling and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel negative about it as well.
Guess I’ll have to try harder.

 

❤ Icesabel

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