Feeling a little pissed off and sad.
Every time I talk to my mum, she tries to avoid eye contact and reply with one word.
It’s a complicated situation between us all these years.
Huge ego of hers and I can’t beat her high level of stubbornness.
I may be her mirror image in a lot of terms, but, I don’t see why her rules has to supersedes everyone else’s.
She’s not all bad.
We’ve had heart-to-heart talk a few times though, only when she’s probably in a weird mood of needing to talk to me.
But, afterwards, things seem to turn cold over time once again.
I actually get jealous when my other 3 siblings talk to her as if there is nothing wrong.
Me? The black sheep.. the weird one.
Sure, I’m rebellious in ways where I’m the only one who dared to challenge anyone.
Only because when I know it’s the truth.. the facts are there and I think it’s right.
I believe that she herself instilled this in me.
Except that, she probably can’t take it that someone else is able to do it as far as she can and challenge her views.
When my friends talk about being close to their mums or when my colleagues were talking sad about their late beloved mums.
I’d just sit there blankly.. feeling all blue.
To prevent quarrels, I’d usually slide away like a shadow from her.
My siblings and dad are my middlemen to place trivial issues across.
Unlike me, none of them would question her authority.
You get the drift.
And here I am.. feeling all angry and upset over her.. only giving a “hmmm” and not looking at me.
When I told her I’m flying off tomorrow for a week.
Here I am.. looking at the family picture we took last year.
All of us looking picture perfect.. like one perfect family.
Me and my younger siblings in our graduation gowns, my older bro with his wife and their baby and my parents.
All grinning from ear to ear.
Yet, I sense a disconnection.
Probably just me.
I don’t mind being the oddball if everyone is happy though.
People say that it’ll take time for her to take it all in, for all my faults and imperfections and our differences.
When was there never a time when all I ever did all my life was to impress her and make her proud of me?
Yet, she never did.
She’s weird in many ways and on how she thinks and I pretty much can grasp that concept.
I do know that in a nutshell, she wants me to have a good life and is afraid I’d sway away from the laws of her ground rules, in life and in religion.
Which.. I know I’ve broken a lot.
She wants me to be a good and religious girl, a good daughter and in the future, a good wife.
But, she never knew that because of all these and how I grew up, I think I’ve learned and tweaked the way I conceptualize on how to be a mother.
What I do as far as religion goes is between me and God.
So, I won’t go any further with this.
To me, she just thinks way too much and worries a lot.
Too possessive and controlling.
As much as she is strong, I think that, in itself, is her weakness.
Time sure does tell its tale and reasons to why things happen as it should.
For now, I’ll let things be as it is.
Avoid confrontations and do what I need to.
I’ll still talk to her when she wants to.
She may be one tough cookie.
But, she IS my mum.
I love her.
Only I know our full story… just as everyone else has theirs to keep.
Every other misconceptions are redundant.
p.s. if you can spare 4 minutes of your time, please watch the video below.