I think my head is going to burst anytime now.
Been reading for the past few hours.
Finding out some answers to some questions I had earlier.
Some of which were not my intention to know about, but, found some really good articles.
I’m sorry but I had to privatized the earlier post.
That’s what normally happens to me once in a while.
Time and time again, when these tests of faith comes by, there will be times when answers come in the most unexpected forms.
I used to think even more than I do now.
I’ve taken the initiative to lessen it because it causes negativity to arise.
My old blogs of yonder years used to be filled with my inner thoughts and feelings.
Purely about them and I’d talk freely without a care.
People said I was philosophical.
That was how I met an ex.
Weird enough, he loved reading my blog, but, never ask me directly what I thought whenever we conversed.
If I didn’t feel like blogging…
I would design a picture that represents my inner feelings or even write a poem.
I wrote about things that I thought would help others avoid what I’ve been through.
It’s a pity that back then, whilst I could help others, I could not do so for myself.
When life turned pitch black one fine year, I was left in despair for years after.
If I were to say “the real me”, it’d be her.
The one I’ve just described about.
Now, I only write about the surface of nothingness, such as about anime or gaming…
Which, in fact, is not even reviews, but, what I just felt before and after trying it.
Or even trivial work issues..
Because I wanted everything to be “lighthearted”.
I changed even further.
I was afraid that I would fall into major depression again.
Because I was in and out of it.
Religion kept my sanity intact.
Family was the reason for me not to be selfish.
I couldn’t help myself for years.
So, I stopped doing what I did after that fateful event.
I’ve been out of it for probably 4 years or so.
That’s the same amount of time I spent in the IT industry.
That was a year after I graduated with my degree.
And spent a total of nearly 8 months of unable to work, if my memory serves me well.
I was job hopping back then.
Whenever I didn’t like something, I left.
I just didn’t want to trigger the sadness that’ll cause a ripple effect.
Maybe I’ll start doing it again once the “phobia” has subsided.
It actually has… I think.
Just that, I’ve forgotten how it was to talk that much, to share as much.
When I was younger, I used to think that I had split personalities.
But, it’s actually pretty normal for any normal person to take on different personalities to suit different situations.
Was because I could just turn into someone who’d be really serious and start talking about deep things.
As though I was too matured for my age (back when I was younger).
From my earlier post..
I love what normal people, free thinkers, non-believers and society call “talk to your self”.
What I’d call “talk to God”.
That taught me to reflect about anything and everything in life, every other night.
Whether I get answers to my questions or not, I find peace and calmness in doing just that.
If people were to ask me, I’d only mention that I’m just a deep thinker.
I didn’t have an easy youth life, but, it wasn’t tough compared to those with truly rough lives out in the world.
This happened as early as when I was 5 or 6.
Because I remember being sad about a lot of things that I needed to vent out my feelings and re-order my thoughts.
Maybe that’s how my love for learning started.
I wanted answers.
When I smile and am happy, I truly am.
It isn’t a mask like most people would use to cover their real feelings with.
That was how I used to be too.
Plus, I did learn to appreciate things as simple as breathing.
It makes me feel… I’m really living this life in reality.
It might sound corny.
Out of the blue, when I’m walking, I’ll just suddenly feel so happy and blessed that I’m alive.
All the troubles melt away during that moment and every breath taken in feels like a real blessing.
I’m sorry if you can’t understand the feeling, but, that’s how it is to me.
Maybe by now, you can guess what happened.
If not, just, let it pass… just know that although you can learn to appreciate certain things after going through hardships…
You can grasp the concept if you choose to.
Just think of the worst case scenario and you’ll be on your way to appreciating more than you even need to.
Have I been talking too much?
I’m off to have my rest then.