What the…


I have this monthly meeting with my direct boss, a director, every month since last month..
Since I was placed under him directly instead of the IT manager who was then under him.

I’ve actually been looking around in job ads whenever I’m free
Not that I found anything really that nice in particular.
But today, while we talk about the usual work issues and whatnot…
He suddenly asked whether I was happy working in this organisation.
If I wanted to fully hide my feelings, I’d lie straight out that I was happy and that was that.
But my mind wandered.. I hesitated before replying “happy” unhappily.

Shoot… I really suck at lying.

A WTH moment.
So it went on and we discussed about what I’d want to do if they were to keep me there.
Bla bla bla…
He asked whether I told my now ex-direct boss about it.
I simply said.. it’s his job scope (that I wanted to do)… how could I tell him.
Stupid brain decided to say that I was getting bored and things wasn’t challenging enough.
It continued to pull me into the fire to say that I wanted to travel around.
Why??? brain… why???!!!!

It’s happening all over again!
History is repeating itself.

His the umpteenth boss to ask what I wanted in order to stay.
But even more truthfully… I really have no clue!
Like I’ve mentioned before, I tend to follow what my heart and brain says.
For every job!
But I still left after a couple of months later.
I can’t tell you what I want if I, myself, have no idea what it is.
Then, I’ll go on a career search rampage and soul searching all over again.

I do know that I should be thankful for getting concern from them.
I’ve heard horror stories from friends about their bosses from hell.
Don’t hate me.. please~

If I knew what I wanted, where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be…
It’d might’ve been easier on me and everyone else.
But.. I’m clueless.

Everytime I see what others are doing, I wish I was doing the same.
But I’d fall back to reality and realise that I wouldn’t be happy when I do so.
Happiness is crucial.
It doesn’t have to be much but as long as its presence is there.
It’s whats keeping me going on.

If I were to really get to look over more countries…
If my salary did increase a lot more…
If my post went up and so on…
Would I be satisfied with just those?
I’d probably want a more flexible job time slots.
Then what?
I think I’d still be upset.
I want to move to my next destination.
I want to be within the gaming industry this time.
One can only dream!!!

Actually, I want my own gaming-related company.
Ambitious little freak.

I mentioned before that I am in my dream job.
A dream that I had in my teens.
I had another dream job and that is one above this.
Which coincides with a dream I had when I was 8.
To have my own company.

Where’d that dream go to?
Life’s downs were a lot when I was growing up.
Although I did manage to fight and go against what most people told me back then.
They managed to make me lose sight of that small dream of mine.

What will I do now?
It’ll take time.. and I might lose sight of it again on the way AGAIN.
Actually, I did make research and plans and whatnot to open my own cafe early last year but it failed.
I wasn’t working for 4 months to try at it.
I’m not a quitter in this term.
Ambitious little freak that I am will find another way.

One last note.
Sometimes, things happen without you planning for anything.
They catch you by surprise and you’ll never know what hit you until you stop for a moment…
And take a breather.
I wish that can happen.
I need that spark.
I really do.



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