You have to be strong

I just feel like shouting out at the top of my lungs.

There are just so many things running through my head.
And it’s driving me insane.
It’s like wanting to do so many things at once yet I can’t do even one.
I hate it when I start to think too much.
It only brings misery.
I didn’t even volunteer to think.
All I’d rather do is daydream but I guess the stress of reality is getting to me.
If I have a game that can immerse me into another realm.. this wouldn’t be a problem.

That’s partly why I love gaming.
Too much gaming is bad.
But too much thinking is just as bad.
And the only way I can avoid that is by gaming.
The curse of being a deep thinker and one who can’t help but naturally think way more than I can handle… even if I don’t want to.

 

I found this while googling for an image.
http://youallknowthatfeeling.tumblr.com/

 

No no no.. I’m not into self harm.
I can’t bear to see myself being cut or even see blood.
I get all queasy if I see blood.

But I once had major depression.

There are probably tons and tons of blogs and whatnot on this.
I’m not depressed right now.
Just tired and trying to slow down the raging mess in my head.
I know it’ll pass ’cause time will slowly take away problems and negative feelings.
But I also know that there are times when I get pushed so hard, I start to feel like it wants to come back.
In short, I’m fighting to stay alive all over again.. but this time, being able to recognize the symptoms and closing the gap as much as I can.

It’s an illness.
It may not come across as physical but it is.

I do know that there are so many ignorant people who just don’t understand its concept around me.
Not that I’d blame them at all though.
Unless they go through it themselves or really want to help someone, they’ll think it’s an act due to lack of attention or worse,
That person is looked at as weak or stupid for going through it and doing stupid things.
That’s how you feed a saddened mind with more anxiety and negativity.

I didn’t tell any of my friends or even my then best friend about me going through it.
All they ever knew was me being “happy”.. disappeared from their lives for a year or so then.. came back as though I was away on a holiday.

I don’t think there’s anything shameful in ever obtaining it.
It’s not as if anyone would ever want it.
It happens due to some trauma in the past.

But what I’ll probably never forget or forgive are those insolent doctors, doctor students and nurses at a clinic and a hospital that I was admitted to.
How did they ever become one.. I can’t fathom.

Their attitude and mindset are way out of proportion.
From then on, all I wanted to do was not seek help from “professionals”.

Your own self can be your best friend or your worst enemy.
Until you start to find the right reasons to change and build on that mindset, things will stay stagnant.
But truth be told, these people.. from those I know of or from blogs and all, they truly are strong.
That part where they’re trying their very best to be on their best behavior and wanting to heal themselves really shows how strong they are.
To fight.. to go on.
Plus, they’ve been through their hell and some of them, who are sometimes able to be in control, help others more than others.
All because they know how tough it has been, could’ve been and might be.
And they don’t want others to fall into the same trap as them as well.

It was tough.
It still is.
I can’t tell others what exactly is the solution.
Although that would be the main thing in their minds.. other than suicide.
It depends on individuals.
It’ll take time.. lots of it.. determination.. self-love.. faith.. inner strength..
One more for me.. religion.

People could only tell me to move on or be strong or whatever reason to change the atmosphere..
Or try to sway the bad thoughts away.
But.. if the mind is blocked.. it has blocked off every word they’ve said and nothing can enter that thick skull.
Until they themselves step back and take in the good stuff.
It will slowly turn into a choice.
Meaning, once you choose to believe you can do it.. you really can.
But that part is really tough to grasp.
It’s like trying to water and put fertilizer on a near-to-dead plant and wanting it to revive and live as normal again.
WTH?!!
That came out of nowhere.
But, you get the point.

I’ve met survivors and those still trying to fight it.
And me.. in between.
It’ll try to haunt me but I’ll be fighting again and again.

I was talking to a colleague that for this festive year, there won’t be any homemade goodies.. tarts and cakes.
‘Cause my grandma has lost most of her memory and I am a horrible cook.
No idea why my family and bf says I can cook pretty alright but.. I don’t think it’s good enough.
She said that.. well.. that’s ’cause God gifted you in IT.. it’s better than nothing.
It’s true.. sometimes we want so many things that we forget what we have been given and already have.

That made me pause and think a little differently.
I’m certain that I’m ready to move out of the technicality of stuff and move into management.

It was fun running around and playing in my playground.
It was great being with the guys.. no particular reason why but guys are more fun to be with.
Not only in gaming but I guess I’m still a tomboy at heart.
Oh wait.. I don’t want to leave this field.
I only want to leave one of the subcategories of it.
Actually, I don’t think I even want to negotiate a higher pay with them.
I want to do something different now.

I know that I’m always told that I’m never satisfied being at one place or doing one thing.
It’s too bad most people don’t and won’t understand.
But I don’t think I have more years to spend on dwindling and wasting my time on things I won’t be happy on doing.
I guess I’m still afraid that if I don’t make myself happy and feel fulfilled, I might fall back to the depths.
Who’s to say how things will be.

I have one goal I’d like to achieve no matter what.. apart from all my other small goals.
To do something great.
I don’t think anything is enough until I’ve done so.
It’s a subjective word but I’ll know it when I’ve felt it.

🙂
Good night~

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