An old song.
Heard it again just now.
Was watching a couple of funny stuff on youtube before that.. stating out that as long as the viewers are laughing.. they’re happy with just that.
Put them together and it dawned to me how I probably have lost sense of pure bliss.
I’m still in my 20s but I’m acting as though I’m already so old.
Thinking so much about the future.. the future.. well… the future.
So, when I’m older, would I then start to regret that I should’ve enjoyed my youth?
Acting maturely and as if I have to be like everyone else in the working adult world.
I’ve been sucked in into their world because I have to.
And it feels… tiring.
Why have I deprived myself of my youth?
I was just thinking about rules that could be broken while at work today.
Not that I broke any but just asking myself why others can do so (although most won’t) and whether I just didn’t want to.
It’s not wrong to not break the rules.
But why does it feel that I just want to do something dumb for awhile.
Sometimes, I remember that moment when I wanted to take the plunge and migrate somewhere else.
Would I have loved it or hated it?
At least I’ve tried.
I don’t totally follow the rules though.
But I don’t entirely break the rules.
It’s like strumming in between chords.
At times, I can’t stop myself from being too truthful and blunt.
Everyday, I see people wearing masks.
Not those usual masks but those masks enough to make me feel really frustrated.
Some of them have learned that I keep quiet but I watch and listen in my silence.
Moments where all I feel like doing is scream to say stop saying sugar coated words.
That is… me.
I think more people are starting to see that.
I actually hate it when people start to think that they know me… or even know me at all.
It’s been ages since I kept that side of me silent.
Just because my words can get really sharp.. straight to the point and cause pain to others.
Like my mum, I don’t have much patience although I do try to control my temper.
I just don’t want to hurt anyone.
To me, even if I do hate someone because of something they’ve said or done, I believe in what goes around comes around.
But there’s one thing I hate the most about that part of me.
I sometimes confuse even myself.
Not trying to be proud or big-headed but my brain can get too intelligent for myself…
That sometimes I scare myself and would just shut out from everything.
How far it’ll go to get something that I actually won’t think about.
Ok ok.. for example… I would just say something from the top of my head over a topic.
I would just shrug it off but after some time, I’ll start to think about what I’ve said.
Then I’ll realize that what I’ve said has a reason to be voiced out as so.
And the reason is deep.. as though I’m saying it because I know I want something.. without even thinking about it.
No idea what that is about but it scares me.
Sly and evil.
I don’t really want to do research on all these anymore… or even really think deep about it.
I’ve spent my younger years trying to determine whether I had split personalities.
Just felt like pouring it all out after so long.
I created this a few years ago.
It’s in my DA account.
What some people don’t know is.. when I have inspirations to do my artwork…
I’m in deep thoughts and surrounded by feelings too tough to explain in simple terms.
The opposite of that simply means I’m in an art “hiatus”.
I knew I was different since young.
Still am but I like it that way.
It simply means that I’m not like everyone else.