-.-“

 

Updated patch of Dragon Nest.
I don’t really like any of it… except leaving my toon to afk fishing whilst I do something else.
A lot of people are pretty geared nowadays… especially in my guild.
So many with +11 and +12.

I haven’t been playing DN for a couple of months.
My toon’s stats: March EQ
I could probably get it to +11 in a couple of days but… humm.. I’m too lazy.

I really don’t have the mood to do anything.
My friends and bro are asking me to do some D3 runs but I really don’t have the strength to play.

Work was really draggy for me today.
Someone from my department told everyone whilst we were having our monthly meeting about my great job with the programming stuff.
I was literally biting my nails and turning red.
Luckily a colleague came in and asked me out of the meeting room ’cause someone needed to see me.
I seriously can never handle compliments.
It feels weird.
If it was supposed to feel good then why does it feel like the world is about to burst into a billion pieces whenever I get a compliment?
And all I wanna do is run away.. which most of the time I’d literally do whenever possible.
I appreciate the gesture but it just makes me feel that I should run away and hide.
Although people always tell me to be happy and “enjoy” the feeling while it lasts.
Thing is.. I don’t think I feel the same as they do.. and it doesn’t make me want to stay and bask in the feeling any longer.

Some told me predicted and some deduced that it was probably because of my past that caused this effect.
Which I guess is true.
Why?? Why am I always reminded of my past.. no…. why am I always reminded of my sad past.
I’m not emo but I guess life’s problems are unavoidable.
I don’t have anyone who’d compliment me.
Neither my parents nor my grandparents (who I lived with for the 1st 15 years of my life).
Most of my ex were calling me ugly or comparing me with some other girl.
Thing is.. I blossomed really late so… I was very short.. small frame.. “no” boobs or butt.. baggy and huge t-shirts and jeans… my teeth was a little crooked at the front.. a huge forehead.. elf ears.. bad skin.. wore glasses  at 8.
If I were to meet any of them now… I doubt they’d recognize me at all.
My guy cousins and even strangers who happen to be around.. would make fun of me.. when I was younger.

Plus.. I was everything the opposite of those of my age.
A nerd who loves learning.. playing with the guys.. I loved what the guys love doing.. playing in the dirt.. catching insects.. soccer.. playing the hot sun and get all sticky.. guys toys like those “building” vehicles and whatnot.
As I grew up.. I then fell in love with gaming.
I still love one main thing that still concludes me as a girl.
“The princess story”.

So all in all.. I had an extreme case of low self-esteem for years.

I grew up.
God is great.

Don’t think I regret doing what I did or who I was.
I’ve always prefer hanging out with the guys when in comes to a couple of things but I’m quite a girly girl at times.

Anyway, being in the work field that I’m in.. don’t think I can avoid it.

I remember a moment in time that I was in love with high heels… those 4-inch heels!
(The designs are usually something similar to the image above)
And even when I needed to carry the 1U or even 3U servers or SAN for repairs and whatnot.. with my trolley and my 4-inch heels.. I’d carry ’em.
The day I slowly stopped wearing them was when one of the directors from one of the sister companies that I was in charge of said something about them.
It’s not negative in any way.
Neither did I have negative feelings after that but I felt like I was slowly losing the craving to wear those.
I only wear mary janes now.
I still love wearing dresses even if I have to carry stuff or climb onto walls that would make spiderman go… “omg” *hides*… lol.
The lady colleagues would usually joke that I’m lucky to be stick thin that I can climb and prance around like a lizard.
Roflmao.. I find that hilarious.

One of my ex IT bosses from another company told me of the dress code after I was hired.
No dresses. No skirts. No jewelry.. especially necklaces. No heels.
My brain was going “Huh? No way am I going to follow those rules!”
I didn’t follow them, of course.
It never deterred me from doing my job as well as any guy who can’t wear those can.
A little discriminating when I think of it but he didn’t say anything when I broke those rules.

Although there was once that he said… “I know that you’ve been ‘taking breaks’ in between office hours, but if you get the job done then it’s alright”.
Yup.. that’s me.
Whenever I get the chance to wind down.. I would.
It’s not the norm in this part of the region to take breaks except during lunch time.
I’m a workaholic who knows when to “scuttle off” and enjoy my time.

Can’t do that in my current company now.
Nowhere nice to go nearby, plus, 75% of them are high level people who have eyes as sharp as eagles and words as sharp as knives.
Wowzeee~
I don’t mind though… as long as people don’t disturb me.
Unfortunately.. that doesn’t come true as often as I want it to.

*yawn*
Time to sleep~

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