Sighing my life away

I am exhausted!
I need an energy drink.
Wish I can get a day off.
Why do people always expect that I can do more than I really can even when all I’d ever say is “I’ll try”.
That simply means that I can’t guarantee you that I can do it but it doesn’t mean I won’t give it my best.
Yet, they’d still expect results.
I’m no supergirl.

I read in an online news about the secret salary of food hawkers.
It reminded me of one of my ex’s mum.
I already had a feeling that she had a thing for me and even my ex told me…
That his mum never did invited any of his ex over or to go shopping and whatnot.
In the family van she drove one fine day, she told me about the history of the foodstall she had worked hard on.
They’re pretty well to do by then.
The very story of where hardships were in abundant and lots of turmoils and turbulence between family and company business.
I respected her as much as I respected my mum.
My mum has her own history of hardships too.
She too was brought up in a poor huge family of 8 and being the 2nd child, she sold food that my grandma made before and after school.
Even my mum’s parents had their own side of even tougher hardships.

In return, I was brought up in such a way that I wasn’t allowed any luxury of any sort.
Was given enough money only during weekdays to have one meal.
I lived with my mum’s parents until I was 15.
I still have a curfew as my mum would lock the door if I didn’t come home on time.
Never was I close to my mum.. yet I still look up to her strengths.
There are way too many rules while living under her roof.
Sure, I understand her concerns and reasons but in my point of view, it’s a little to the extreme.
Don’t think I’d confine my future kids (if I ever will have any) to such conditions even though I’d like to teach them of values as well.
I hope so.

During my younger years, I always thought my mum was having monetary problems.
But she was actually pretty well to do even if my dad was not around.
Oh.. it’s another story altogether about between my parents.
But things seem pretty alright and peaceful in my family now.
Hope it’ll stay that way.

Tell me the word tough.
I might have a family and a roof over my head.
But I’ve always felt lonely, never close to any of them, and 2 houses (my grandparents’ and my parents’) that feel much like just a place to stay and nothing more.
I already didn’t get much pocket money from my parents, much less get money to buy my own clothes when I got older.
Was barred from work while I was schooling else I was being threatened.

My parents never once came to teacher/parents meetings.
Only once watched my band performance during my 1st 16 years of my life.
I had rows of trophies in sports.. awards for English, Maths, Science and Arts..
I joined and performed a lot in Choir, Military Band, random dances performances and even martial arts for community centers events.
But none did they attend to.
None they were ever proud of.
All I ever got was the bickering and picking on my bad points.
Which pretty much was not wanting to follow my mum’s dress code rules and coming home late.
But when I do go back late… I was just having late dinners or attending some events or chilling out with friends or going out for a date.
For I myself hate crowds, smell of cigarette smoke and alcohol.

When my colleagues and friends talk about their own family and start their sobbing stories…
I’d say at the very end… you are lucky that they care and they are or were there.

I live in a life where I live with strangers who are of my blood.
Receiving little to no attention or love.

So… at times, I’d rather stay home and run away from reality (gaming).

I wouldn’t say life is all that bad back then or even now.
There are those who are worse off.
But I’ve got my fair share of a tough life just as well.

This is me.
But tbh, that hardship was nothing.. NOTHING… compared to one part of my life that happened 4 years ago.
When all I wanted to do was give up everything.. including my life itself.
If I’m still breathing… it simply means that I’ve not given up fully yet.

Whatever that doesn’t kill you (literally) only makes you stronger.


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