Pink!!!

lol… love the cat edit 🐱 That’s the true pink colour, though.
Anyway, I’m posting because… ermm… of my pink hair.

I’ve been contemplating on gettin pink hair for a few weeks and finally did it last weekend. Everyone was surprised and many said that I was brave to do so.

Unfortunately, it came with a number of issues I never knew would arise.

Naturally, some would ask why I’d do such a drastic change. Not that cropping my hair super short after having long hair for a long time was anything close to a change in anyone’s pov, last year. Actually, I don’t have an answer to that. I’m not one to follow trends of pop stars or ever want to be like an anime (been so long since I watched one, surprisingly). I don’t watch kpop or follow on with any of those cutesy japanese culture. I was just bored. But of all the colours to choose from, I thought that pink would suit my skin colour best.

Negative comments from passersby. Positive from friends, though. Not sure whether it’s out of courtesy or awe. But, not that it mattered. Yes, honestly. I don’t know why, but, I became oblivious. And… a bit more outspoken. I accidentally blurted out what I thought because I was a little pissed with a girl earlier today due to being insensitive to the public due to reckless riding. I’d usually just mumble in my heart and move on. 

Adding on to the random dream of wanting bright pink hair, I mentioned another point. Hair is just that… hair. I can colour it anything today and it can be another colour tomorrow. Does it entirely affect my character? Maybe a little, like what I’ve mentioned above, but, it won’t be a huge one. Doubt it’d be a bad change either. Why does people have to be judgmental over a different look or being different in any way? Ever thought that maybe… just maybe… we never did want to be like you or any other “follow the pack” group?

Some might think that it’s to attract attention. Hmmm… didn’t think of that before I did it.

I’m already in my 30s. When else am I going to experiment with new stuff? When I’m way older? Who knows, I’ll already wear my headscarf by then.

It’s not that I’ve changed anything except the colour of my hair, but the judgemental comments are in abundance. 

Humans… /shrugs
Oh.. if you do want to dye awesome colours, try dixmondsg. I bleached my hair thrice and the fourth only on the fringe. Then, it’s one coat of toning, followed by the ash pink dye. LOVE the smell!!! The dye smells like sweet raspberries. lol. Note that I’ve gone to numerous salons for many years to ask to bleach my hair (to wash off a colour) or dye it way lighter, but, all refused because of my baby hair. I’ve very fine and thin hair. But, the bleach was quite mild. Good luck! And enjoy the change!! 

My hair seems to grow very fast, though. I could already see the black roots peeping out since a day after.
❤ Icesabel

Countless Reasons Why

I’ve been seeing reviews and recommendations on the series of 13 reasons why. I’d probably watch it, eventually.

It’s been so long since I spoke of depression and suicide. Sometimes, when people start having deep conversations or discussions, I tend to get lost and at random times, wonder at how different I’ve become, all because I’ve had to shed off my deep thoughts and feelings just to save myself.

No one helped me when I needed it, but, looking back, it was because of God and myself, was I able to stand back on my feet and walk ahead with confidence and fill myself with positive vibes.

When these people opened up about having suicidal thoughts of where they thought that only after death would it make an impact, it triggered my memory. Something I tend to forget, most of the time (I wanted to forget, anyway). It was true. All I kept thinking was seeing different groups of people I knew who would come to my funeral and feeling somewhat regretful. To just end the pain, because it hurt so much. Way more than physical pain. Probably the kind where the brain gets overloaded and the heart feels like it’s been bleeding non-stop and you feel sick for way too long. You’d rather plug out that lifeline than sit on that deathbed, being a vegetable, breathing through a tube and being lifeless. Trying to reach out, but, everyone left, one by one.

I was a deel thinker, since before I went to kindergarten. I knew what people thought and felt. I was way beyond my age. I could understand so much, but at the same time, took too much. That was partly how I learned anything and everything so quickly. That I could do anything I tried. But, being a deep thinker has the danger of going beyond one’s limit and break down. There were other factors and problems all piled up at once in one year, before I broke down and crossed the line.

Yes. I did try to commit suicide once, but, failed and went into hospital. The final blow caused me to do so.

I gave that up. Felt more like a curse than a gift, anyway. That’s when I slowly loosen up and stopped having deep comversations with myself on 10 different topics at once in my head. My memory is pretty bad now. I tend to forget so many things, but, that was my solution because even when I asked for professional help, the nurses and doctors treated me like a lab mouse and laughed behind my back (while I overheard them).

Yeah… I got so pissed that I played along. Have they not met patient number 527 who, from a young age, already knew how to analyze people of any age, based on how they talk and react. What people wanted to hear and see. Where they wanted to head to and when they wish to leave.

I was quiet and still am. But the more matured/older people would tell me that they know who I am. I watch people to learn how they are. Warm, but, cautious.

It’s not worth it. Suicide, that is.

There’s actually so much to do now. Learned way more after all the crap I’ve been through. My bucket list. I got hold of some of my dreams, especially, career-wise. I love travelling around solo. I have my awesome family. My cats. Helping many people, teaching and working in a global non-profit (my job scope now is global instead of just Asia – yeah.. didn’t update my blog on this).

I need to give back. It’s one of the reasons I’m standing. The purpose. Helping others makes me feel empowered and fulfilled, in life.

Whilst my faith in God helps me to move ahead. Yes.. In Sha Allah… the pilgrimage! He gave me trials to be stronger and ready for later times. I must’ve forgotten about Him and became weak, back then. If I did go kapoot at that time, it would’ve meant not going to heaven. =X Lose-lose situation. Lose in life and after-death. But that’s based on my religion.

I hope others will find their reasons and ways to get stronger and to go on. I’m sorry for the pain and the mess. Different people find their way on different terms and timeline. But remember that there is someone out there who cares. Don’t give up. 

Whenever you’re better, hope it’ll be your turn to extend a helping hand in return.

Don’t need to blame others, even if they hurt you. Everyone is going through their own sets of problems. No one ever said that it’s going to be easy.

All the best. God bless you.
❤ Icesabel

INFJ

How is it that I’ve never come across the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator?
Oh well.
Found out that I have an INFJ personality.
Read up in more detail in a handful of websites and all of them are uncannily accurate/on point.

The INFJ make up only 1% of the population and reading through comments of the various sources, those from my group felt happy that they finally belong somewhere.
I do feel happy that I’ve finally understood a lot of things about myself.
But, even in itself, we are mysterious and tend not to share a lot of our thoughts, because it’ll seem weird to most.
Ironic.
But, I never had the feeling or thought to want to belong anywhere, unlike them.
My younger and now self has come to terms that I don’t mind being different.
I knew I was different and through the years, I have been trying to figure myself out, bit by bit… the process itself is kind fun, actually.

So here goes my list of examples based on my experience.

I’ve always knew that I wanted to do something for others… help them.
Although I love computers/technology, essentially, I love helping others by making technology work, so they could move ahead.
My mother was a nurse, but, I couldn’t stand the sight of blood (not to the extreme, though).
My father was a teacher and he shared his knowledge with the young, but, as I’ve explained in some posts, I’m a bit impatient to an extent (when it comes to teaching) and know it will not work out.
But, I do hope I learn to own that right amount of patience to impart my knowledge to the young ones when I’m way older.
Now, I’ve been working in a global non-profit organisation for 5 years.
How I love the way technology can help others and the special skills and knowledge that I’ve picked up working towards humanitarian work, rather than another typical office day of an IT professional.
You don’t get to do or learn these when you’re in the corporate world.

I believe in karma.
I believe in one God.
I also have an idiotic heart that would actually believe that love and compassion will soften the hearts of even the hardiest person (which has worked a lot, so far – talking about my past experience with people I’ve met).

An introvert, I love being my own a lot.
I might seem quiet and reserved most of the time.
I love travelling alone.
I love going on long walks on my own, to clear my mind and be at peace.
But, I can go crazy when I’m with those who are close to me.
I will fight with my all when I know something is right.

Only one person has noticed this part and tend to ask me for my opinion.
Which is my weird ability to predict the future.
It won’t necessarily occur, but, of what can happen.
Most of the time, it does occur.
It’s not exactly based on a hunch, although, there is always that 6th sense feeling / intuition.
It’s based on the 5W1H  on me watching the surroundings and people and mold the patterns into one story.
I am brutally honest, but, I will take care of how people react.
If the person is willing to be open, you’ll like my honesty because I tend to see the whole picture.

Some people at work do notice how I avoid conflict.
Not that I’ll run away from a problem.
It’s more of that if I can avoid getting into a scene with someone (because of their character/attitude), I would.
So, I tend to talk lesser.
Get it done with and move on.

Contrary to most who assume that people who are in technology (compared to someone in a more social-centric job), I can be in another person’s shoes, even when I don’t want to.
Making me absorb both positive and negative energy.
In a way, I can understand you even when I’ve never been through what you’ve gone through.
But, if they trust me enough and not think of me as weird, I can help clear the path of your murky headache of a mess, but, will give you space to learn to move ahead by yourself.
That was partly why I wanted to be a psychologist at one point in time, but, then knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle it because I can feel what they feel (even though, it’s not even my life or I even have any relation to that person). and you don’t know how terrible it can be! 😦

If I come across a person who’s “acting” or someone who tries to hide their feelings.
You’ll be sure, I know it, but, I won’t say it unless someone asks for my opinion or unless they really need help to re-evaluate their path (even when they don’t notice they need it).
It depends.
/shrugs

Unfortunately, I do tend to fall ill when I’m bogged down with too much stress.
I get exhausted quickly because I like to go all out.
So busy with helping everything, but, myself.
But, I’ve learned to take a step down, for quite a while now.

I day dream… a lot.
I go in a daze and have visions of of what I want to do and where I want to be.
But, I’m a go-getter and re-evaluate my life every so often.
Thus, in my blog, I tend to show how much I think about it.
When I know what I want, I’ll go after it.

A perfectionist.
Wish I wasn’t one.
Been trying to deny this fact.
-.-”

Passion.
I’d be rich, if, I get a dollar for every time I talk about passion.
There has to be a reason to why I’m doing something.
I need to be passionate in my work, or, I’ll get disappointed and very restless!
I don’t like routines.

Alright… I’m done… for now.
Just taken my medication from being sick for 2 weeks now.
Need to rest.

 

❤ Icesabel

Dear Diary

Dear Diary, please tell me that I have to be more patient? That I can. That things will change for the better. Wait it out.

Dear Diary, I’m so unsure what to do next, but, I don’t even know if this is what I need.

Dear Diary, I’m not afraid. Just confused. Engulfed in a mess of too many wants.

Dear Diary, please tell me that it’ll be okay.

Dear Diary, now that I’m here, I’m slowly beginning to understand. Why some things didn’t work out. But yet, am still not in that moment where I’d know why and how it’d turned out eventually, “in the end”.

Dear Diary, it’s time to cap the pen. Good night.
❤ Icesabel

Need more than luck

I don’t know why I always do this.
Plan for so many things…. but, I just do.

I’m planning to apply for a Masters Scholarship early next month.
Just waiting for 2 more letter of recommendation from an ex-lecturer whom I had just graduated from, 4 months back (my one-year part-time diploma) and one of my former bosses who pretty much has left our Asia regional office to be a global director.
Then, it’s good to go, as I’ve already filled up most of the online form.

 

 

❤ Icesabel

 

 

 

Iceberg

Have you seen this picture before?


Going through the resumes and interviewing a few people to take over my Level 1 job scope, so that I can concentrate (and free from being overburdened with too much work) on the regional and global workload, I saw a lot of people trying to do a “short-cut” in their career timeline. Some… not all.

The funny thing is that all the interviewees that came in couldn’t answer my technical questions to the standard that I wanted. Not to say that I’m a pro, but, if you were to ask my past and current bosses/HR, I have a thing with problem-solving… well, they were the ones who told me what they noticed about me without me saying or in a few instances, asking.

We chose someone who is awesomely warm, quick on his toes, funny!!, honest (hey.. just tell me what you don’t know and don’t act as if you know and fail miserably at making up an answer!) and I can see him being genuine about wanting to learn. I love that in a person. I guess, it reminds me of me. I remember not knowing a thing back when I started off. But my love for learning and doing what I enjoy makes it all up… with time, dedication, lots of failures and picking myself up on my own, persistent and more. I’m more than willing to teach someone as long as they want to take the challenge up. As my career progressed, I’ve learned a lot on my own and by watching and learning from pros.

Ironically, I’m not exactly a good teacher. At least, that’s what I think. I don’t mind teaching, but, if I were to be expected to repeat numerous times even though I’ve gone through it thoroughly step by step, and the person doesn’t even bother to take notes and try to handle it on their own first (need to be spoon fed all the time), I’ll lose my cool. When I lose it… I mean it. Some people see it as me being impatient. I think I am (at times), but, doesn’t mean that I appreciate one to want to learn that the person expects everything to be in a book all nicely written for you (all on a silver platter). Take the initiative to work on the basis of what has been given and work at your own skills (strengths and weaknesses).

2 other points that I’ve noticed from the group, is when one expects to make a big jump when they couldn’t even give me a satisfactory answer (or be honest for that matter) or understand my question. Another of which prefer to segregate their skills into a silo rather than not minding to take up opportunities to learn that is outside of their main scope. By that, they are somewhat contradicting on the answer to my question of whether they prefer being innovative rather than doing a routine most of the time.

It might seem like a routine, at some angles, but, the steep learning curve for the initial 6 years or so, hasn’t been dull. Probably because I picked up so many different aspects of IT that sometimes does not directly need to have knowledge of. Just nice to have. But, proved to be useful now, because I’m trying out new skills. While a lot of people to be in a niche, because of me knowing a broader range of skills, people tend to lean on to me for pretty much everything (except that it eventually became too much because EVERYONE (from the lowest position to the highest, from all sorts of background) would rely on me, as if I knew how to handle anything.. which of course, I don’t know everything.. I’d still need to pick up knowledge, on the way. But, I’d still give it my best.

I was sort of scared that I’ve set the bar too high for anyone who would take over parts of my job. People would tell me that I handle things (one IT lead from a country office said I was faster than his broadband. lol) to a point that if I didn’t handle 4-5 requests in the same hour, they’d check up on me if I was okay. Don’t get me wrong, I do make mistakes (which I will apologise for), have ADHD (I can’t sit for a boring session or even an engaging meeting for more than 30 mins – I get agitated and stop listening) and I’m actually a very forgetful person (but have techniques to handle situations – but, some do get past that and be forgotten).

My counterparts from the other regions from Africa, America/carribean and Middle East/Eurasia have other awesome sets of skills, but, I love it when they rely on my for what they lack of (we help each other with what we’re good at – at least, used to… until 2 of the 5 of us, left). Which I love! I do love being in a room of people who are very smart… so smart that I ultimately feel redundant and stupid… actually. But, I try to pick on facts quickly afterwards.

Shucks… thinking about the 2 that has just left… made me feel down. Alright… I’d better end my blog. 😦 
❤ Icesabel

Sweep it clean

It all started when someone randomly commenting “that person must’ve wished he had studied harder”, as we walked past a cleaner who was sweeping the floor. A few days later, a cleaner was waiting in front of a crowd waiting for them to disperse, so that he could sweep the floor. A few days later, I was going to throw out the rubbish, the cleaner was at the bin clearing the stuff said “thank you” when I placed it in his big clearing bin. A few days later, someone complained about the mugs not being cleaned properly in the pantry as she picked up one to use. (If you hate it, then, wash that mug by yourself >_>)

I respect them, though. Not many would take up this job. Much less even be proud of what they are doing (although, the topic of a low salary is another matter). Without them, a lot of public places would’ve been filthy.

My late grandfather used to be a cleaner at the airport when I was very young, but, retired when I was much older. Thus, pretty much his last job. He would usually work the midnight shift and would tell me and my siblings scary stories of what happened in the quiet toilets that people wouldn’t visit at around that time. (I believe in the supernatural because I’ve been disturbed many times throughout my lifetime.) Sometimes, he would bring us around the airport and told us the places he would work at. I’ve always look up to him. He worked honestly. A times, he would cycle me to school and my mother wouldn’t like it, because, he loved to cycle on the main road where the buses and cars would buzz by without caring about the pedestrians. Once, he cycled all way back and to school because I’ve forgotten to bring my art file to school. I’ve never heard him complain about anything.

A quiet strong man who spoke little. He knew that I loved soft toys, so, he would pick up thrown away teddies by the rubbish bin, washed them well, sew it and gave them to me. My grandma would ask on why he’d bring back so many things, but, left it be after a while. Sometimes when they got dirty, he’d say that it’s time to wash them all up and we’d throw them all in the washing machine and he would help peg them up to dry. A handyman who would pick up things that people threw away and made them into really useful things like handles on doors using pieces of metal and wood and faulty fans to work again. I would awe and wonder how he knew how to do so much. Who would’ve known, that, it’d rubbed on me. I love fixing stuff. More to technology, though.

He may have a job that some people despise or not even look at as a human being. Cleaning toilets and sweeping around. People not being thankful for and instead complain even further about something not being done perfectly. But from what I see, it’s an honest job and he does it with all that he can give. His family might’ve been very poor most of his life, but, they got through it. The most important thing is that the family ties remain and we’re happy, even with the troves of problems life always bring upon to everyone.

One might think that being “up there” or rich is important. But, even if you get to travel to places and own many things, you can still feel empty, fake, lost or sad deep within. Well… unless, you’re one of those oblivious people who owns not an once of humanity within. =X Don’t be too busy chasing after materialistic goals all the time that eventually, lose track of time and relationships.

Don’t look down upon others, because everyone does have a purpose (unless… they’re pure evil… but, still has an agenda). You’ll never know that the cleaner whom you were nice to helped you in return years later, without you knowing. Kindness trickles down. Respect begets respect.

 

❤ Icesabel

2016… bday…

Today’s my birthday (25th dec) and 2016 has been mostly unkind to me. Been given trails after trials. Exhausted. So much so that I can’t even cry anymore.

My husband’s grandpa just passed away an hour back. I’ve known his family as long as I’ve been with him for the past 13 years. After being married, I moved in to his grandparent’s house as he has been staying there his whole life (while we wait for our own house to be ready). The only other person I saw in my dream who passed away peacefully was my late grandpa who took care of me when I was young. I had a dream last night that his grandpa passed on peacefully. I would never blame anyone for this day (my bday). I just hope his family can be strong, the way I broke down for months (quietly by myself) when my grandpa passed on. May all of you be in Jannah.

I failed my certification exam earlier this week. A turnaround from my 3As for my diploma which I graduated from about 2 months back. Told the person who wanted to hire me once I got that cert my bad news and thanked him anyway. God bless him for showing support, though.

During those weeks, I was having a hell ride with the new director.

During that, HR didn’t see me as loyal and I was the only one not given the 5 years appreciation because I was away for 3 months.

Before that, I was breaking down because of the amount of stress, as I was handling so much work alone. Something HQ will be looking into next year, though.

For the first time in my life, I nearly fainted in the train and experienced that close-to-blackout moment because I was low on sugar, on the way to work.

Before that, someone made me missed my morning prayers during the morning of Eid Mubarak because she decided that her family matters, which had no conclusion, dragged on for hours. I was very disappointed. I wouldn’t mind if it was resolved, but, if it’s meant to be only about fighting for hours to no point of closure. It’s a waste of time. Especially on  a day when I can only do once a year.

Earlier this year, I didn’t get to be the best IT because I wasn’t working after office hours, public holidays and weekends. When I was the one handling all except HQ stuff for the global team before the regional team was formed.
It would be unfair to my life’s book to only state out the negative. I did get my diploma, after a year’s of hard work. I travelled to UK twice and Thailand twice. I got selected for emergency response training. I made more close friends. I have my health (except for that moment) and still have what I need to carry on. I  have my family. I’m going to have my own place, eventually. Still have a roof over my head and good food.

Hubby said that I should put in more priority to our house, knowing well I’m saving up to go Mecca with my mum. For all I know, I would prioritise my time with my mum and God. Not to say I won’t find a way to pay everything else. But, my mum’s already 60+ and there might not be another chance to do what I’ve always wanted to (she already declined my offer many times before). If there’s a will, there’s a way.

I have no idea how I can be so positive throughout all these mess. For all I know, I’ve always been scared that the depression that once wanted to take my life years ago, would come back. Maybe I’m tired of being weak and allowing issues to take over. I don’t know.

I don’t care if others don’t understand the theory or reasoning (unless they’ve been there). All I know is, I love God and that is enough.
❤ Icesabel