Skewed View

I think that… life has been pretty kind and gentle towards me right now. Actually, if I wanted to over-think issues, I do have a few problems in-hand. I’m not ignoring those facts. I just don’t want to make a big deal over them, whilst they’re still “small” in stature. This is what people meant by taking things one at a time. Handling head-on, when the time is right.

I still feel pain inside, though. I’m not surpressing it. Been venting it as I go along. But, don’t want to make it huge of a deal either. Afterall, it’s not like I’d get my answers, if, I were to break out a war at any point in time. Such a waste of energy and it’d definitely create more stress caused by that reaction.

Sure. Sometimes, I do wish things were a little different, but, I’ll make do with this situation. There isn’t one person living a life with no problems, anyway. Gambatte!
<3 Icesabel

Night owls

No idea why the title is like so. Randomness.

I don’t know how to feel nowadays. I mean, it’s just a confusing transition period. Somehow, it feels like my plan is going as it should. But, I’m still unsure if this is what I need for my future.

I’m truly blessed to be given the feeling of peace, for the past few days. It’s… rejuvenating. Became so self-aware of a lot of details. Every breath, every pace, the sceneries… makes me feel… like I’m living. Not just for the sake of being alive. Yet, it meant having to absorb a lot at once.

But, on another topic, I wish I can stop feeling a little bitter inside. It hurts to hold that in. Trying to ignore its existence. I don’t want to talk about it here though. All I can do is hold on to that thought that, it is as it should be.

At other times, I become irritated with the fact that I’m unable to fast forward time for myself to grab something that I don’t even know of. I’m weird, like that.
<3 Icesabel

The sadness

Found out why I’ve been sad/stressed and didn’t have much appetite, as of lately.

Since I joined Twitter, I saw and absorbed way too much truth of reality. I’d call it a mental shock. Of course, I knew what I was signing up for. Working in a global non-profit allowed me to work and talk with people who have been through what I’d only have nightmares of. Their truth is way better than any news I’d read or watch over what the corrupted media would ever want to feed to their sponge society.

What I didn’t anticipated was my heart and mind being scrunched and torn… hurled and broken.. again and again. It hurts, so bad, not being able to do a thing. It hurts to see inhumane animated beings killing without a second thought. How could they? It hurts to see so many huge problems everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Except places where puppets are oblivious to the world outside of their bubble.

Didn’t help that the earthquakes and hurricanes, etc have been raging in my team’s countries. Depressingly sad. Crying without tears because it freaking hurts way too much.

I was also partly (small portion) stressed because of my next step in my so-called career. Thinking of taking another 2 certifications on top of my current one-year course. I don’t know how or why exactly, but, I can feel a similar burning of a huge flame within me. Just as it did a long time ago. Feeling excited like a small child finding a new challenge. That one cert I went on to seach on, came up with so many people who took 6-9months to self-study and intensed studying and testing to have to get 70% to pass in a 7 hours exam! Brutal. I guess, I have to start somewhere. Exams can be booked when I’m ready. So, no rush for now.
😞I’m exhausted right now. Didn’t sleep well last night because of the haze and hot temeprature. Had to last all the way until my night class ends after my working day. After all this time… I’d thank God for shedding this much light in my way. There are still a lot of burning questions running through my mind. But, I’ve been listening to the Quran and it has been peaceful for me, today. If only I can fast forward time. Somehow, the parts don’t look like they’ll fit properly at this angle. But, I have a feeling, they will fit, but, only when the time is right.

May God bless and protect us all. Only He knows everything.
<3 Icesabel

Kid me not… 2

I was starting to think twice about the networking class. In the long run, everyone globally would be expecting the small group of us to handle all sorts of requests and issues pertaining to this line.

It wouldn’t exactly be a problem, if, I were to love or at the very least, like doing it. But, I don’t. I’d actually feel bad for using their budget and invest in me, when I have alternate plans, in the near future. It would be best, if, someone who actually enjoys and love doing this take up the offer in my place. The class itself is expensive.

Does that sound ironic that I’m currently taking this other certification and is planning to move to another line of the same field? I’ve already spoken to a few people, including the one who had invested in my studies. All of whom understood my situation and the choices of which I might take. Thank God for having good and positive people around me.

After speaking out a bit more today, I realised that, I’m starting to be like them. Looking out for those who need it, without even noticing I was doing so, until today, that is.

I will still stick to my motto of doing what I love to. As much as, a part of me screaming out to hold on to that opportunity to learn more, I don’t think it’d be fair to anyone else, especially my beloved team.
<3 Icesabel

Kid me not

Did our HQ just proposed that the selected few, including me, take up a networking course? Most probably, on Meraki/Fortinet/Ubiquity. What the heck???!!!!!!!!!!!

Sure… Sure… A 5-days course won’t interfere with my one-year course. Ditto.

Point is, I don’t exactly see myself be in charge of the global network equipment. I want to pursue in another specialty. *sigh* My boss said that, they’d be needing me to travel to a handful of the countries to setup new devices and whatnot. I don’t hate that. I just… don’t feel like I’d enjoy doing so.

I’m all pumped up to move out of this line after I graduate. I’ve been an all-rounder and it’s my first time falling in love with a specific line. Ok… Ok.. Chillax… Let me think calmly.

Ok… I should take this opportunity to upgrade my skills. Gain some more exposure. Whether it’s needed in the future will be another topic, altogether.

*it’d be fun.. they said* =X
<3 Icesabel

Lonely or Empowering?

I’ve still not gotten used to being the only girl or that rare girl amongst the guys in my working field.

When I go for conferences, trainings and classes, I’m the “extra”, who stands out like a thorn. I even remember being “ignored” the whole evening and people going on to say, that, they thought someone had brought his wife along to an IT technical training on the ground. It’s fine this time around. In a class of about 20, I’m the only girl. I was the only girl when I took my Cisco certification last year. One out of 10, when I was taking a Microsoft class years back.

Not many girls in IT in my organisation, as well. The only girl amongst my counterparts and our bosses; which is on a ratio of 1 out of 10.

It isn’t exactly lonely though. I’d prefer being around my guy comrades. Thing is… I’m totally ackward around girls. Other than my twin-geek girl, who’s in charge of applications for our region, I can’t “click” with other girl techies.

I’m up for causes of wanting young girls to stay in school. Ermm.. heh… was referring to what some non-profit organisations are trying to advocate. If someone was to want me to teach young girls to make full use of their intellect or to be techies or “move up”, I’m up for it. No feminism though. I don’t exactly agree with some propagations. In my humble opinion, if you have what it takes, show it and be that person you want to be. I do think that “displacing” men to forcefully place a ratio of women in the top spots is demeaning, in a way. Anyway, if you’ve read a lot of articles and real women experiences, there are a different set of characteristics that are needed to be on par with these men. If I didn’t have or nurtured some of those traits, I would’ve left this dream. After all, the ratio is disproportionate and will stay like so, for some time.

But hey… I’ve been looked down a lot, anyway. My small stature is a weakness in other’s eyes. I can do things alone, when I put my mind to it. Just this afternoon, two people (who are new) thought that I needed help carrying a mere desktop and got surprised at me carrying it with one hand. *Ouch* Oh, come on… It IS light. You’ve got to know the technique in carrying things. *coughs* Just did last week. Carried those massive metal batteries that are half my weight each. *coughs* Used to carry heavier things last time. You know what’s heavy? Those Satellite dishes that I had to carry with some guys during an IT emergency training. Those things are brutally heavy!

Anyway, I don’t look the part. I either dress up like a girl going to school or someone who loves wearing sun-dresses and make-up. But, hey… I’ll do whatever that makes me happy. *coughs* Those geek-hippie girls wearing glasses and whatnot are the ones who are trying to fit in to our world, because, they couldn’t get attention elsewhere. *coughs* Now, do I even need to talk about about your own life choices, if you’ve matured enough? But honestly, I don’t really mind these wannabes. I find them entertaining for a second. The reason to why I’m not envious is the fact that they, most probably, don’t have what I have *up there*, in terms of being in the industry, for real. Something I’d choose over superficial traits. I’m attracted to intelligent people, anyway. Even if I do come across a smart lady, the only thing that’d be on my mind would be, aiming to be as good as her or better. But, not with jealousy. It’s with respect. Her traits have just become part of my future objectives.

Oh well. I’m excited for my 2nd class. We have practicals on Thursdays and theories on Mondays. Just one word. Hacking. My future path will be changed. Only because, I want it to.

<3 Icesabel

Sorry… but, I’m not sorry

I’m pissed.
How can one say negative things about certain people and then, say the opposite afterwards?
How is it that they can act normally and be “all nice” in front of these people?
All I can give, is this annoyed face when these kind of events occur.
But, it bites me inside, even though it has nothing to do with me.

Once I place a “cross” across someone.
They’ll always feel like, there’s a thick wall between us.
If I don’t have a choice and have to communicate with them on working terms, that wall will NOT weaken in any way.
If they change for the better, I’d just shift more on the neutral side, but, that wall will still be there.

Like I care if anyone would think, that, I’m horrible for being honest.
For all I know, you’re the one wearing multiple masks and only being “politically correct” on the outside.
(Look into the mirror, before saying anything… if, that’s the first thing that comes across your mind.)

<3 Icesabel

Niche Market

Somehow, I have been depressed for the past 2 days. Feeling better now, after letting it all go.

This is the exact reason, as to why I’ve been holding back from mastering or going into a niche market, in terms of work. For example, a job is open, for someone to handle all these network equipment on the ground for any affected countries (of any problems) to bring up data network and telecommunication. Let’s say, I work for a year or two, in that position before deciding to leave, because, I don’t wish to travel to places too often – Pretty much spending 6-9months a year travelling. Clenching a next job is going to be tough. 

Not when you’ve become a specialist in something that is quite redundant everywhere, except for a non-profit, emergency-based one. 2 years to go back to the old field in IT will put you at the back of the list, unless you have strings to pull or people want your enthusiasm, attitude and dedication. Catching back up is going to take a huge part of your initial work time. Not that learning would be a problem for me.

Obviously, I won’t bring in factors like when the GDP crashes.

So, let’s say, instead of quitting the field, you’d wish another organisation would offer a better pay, due to commitments. Not when you’re in a country where there isn’t a lot of international non-profits or that they’re ever advertising anything similar here. The choice would have to be altered to moving out of the local context, depending on where the new organisation offers (a country to reside). That is just out of the question.

Other factors do add in, like what if I have my own kids in the future. Most likely things would have to change. I might be a passionate work-driven individual, but, I’ll put family before work anytime. Been instilled in me naturally to be as so. Not saying that it would stop me, but, I’d prefer not to make my life too difficult, if, I can assess it first.

Quite different from me, trying to be an entrepreneur, back then. That’s a different concept on the difficulty level, due to the different vast of skills.

That’s just how I plan or select my future job. Love for something isn’t quite going to cut it entirely. Not like it used to.

Reason why I chose the example, is because, I did give it a thought as I do like that job scope. It was a real opening.
<3 Icesabel