INFJ

How is it that I’ve never come across the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator?
Oh well.
Found out that I have an INFJ personality.
Read up in more detail in a handful of websites and all of them are uncannily accurate/on point.

The INFJ make up only 1% of the population and reading through comments of the various sources, those from my group felt happy that they finally belong somewhere.
I do feel happy that I’ve finally understood a lot of things about myself.
But, even in itself, we are mysterious and tend not to share a lot of our thoughts, because it’ll seem weird to most.
Ironic.
But, I never had the feeling or thought to want to belong anywhere, unlike them.
My younger and now self has come to terms that I don’t mind being different.
I knew I was different and through the years, I have been trying to figure myself out, bit by bit… the process itself is kind fun, actually.

So here goes my list of examples based on my experience.

I’ve always knew that I wanted to do something for others… help them.
Although I love computers/technology, essentially, I love helping others by making technology work, so they could move ahead.
My mother was a nurse, but, I couldn’t stand the sight of blood (not to the extreme, though).
My father was a teacher and he shared his knowledge with the young, but, as I’ve explained in some posts, I’m a bit impatient to an extent (when it comes to teaching) and know it will not work out.
But, I do hope I learn to own that right amount of patience to impart my knowledge to the young ones when I’m way older.
Now, I’ve been working in a global non-profit organisation for 5 years.
How I love the way technology can help others and the special skills and knowledge that I’ve picked up working towards humanitarian work, rather than another typical office day of an IT professional.
You don’t get to do or learn these when you’re in the corporate world.

I believe in karma.
I believe in one God.
I also have an idiotic heart that would actually believe that love and compassion will soften the hearts of even the hardiest person (which has worked a lot, so far – talking about my past experience with people I’ve met).

An introvert, I love being my own a lot.
I might seem quiet and reserved most of the time.
I love travelling alone.
I love going on long walks on my own, to clear my mind and be at peace.
But, I can go crazy when I’m with those who are close to me.
I will fight with my all when I know something is right.

Only one person has noticed this part and tend to ask me for my opinion.
Which is my weird ability to predict the future.
It won’t necessarily occur, but, of what can happen.
Most of the time, it does occur.
It’s not exactly based on a hunch, although, there is always that 6th sense feeling / intuition.
It’s based on the 5W1H  on me watching the surroundings and people and mold the patterns into one story.
I am brutally honest, but, I will take care of how people react.
If the person is willing to be open, you’ll like my honesty because I tend to see the whole picture.

Some people at work do notice how I avoid conflict.
Not that I’ll run away from a problem.
It’s more of that if I can avoid getting into a scene with someone (because of their character/attitude), I would.
So, I tend to talk lesser.
Get it done with and move on.

Contrary to most who assume that people who are in technology (compared to someone in a more social-centric job), I can be in another person’s shoes, even when I don’t want to.
Making me absorb both positive and negative energy.
In a way, I can understand you even when I’ve never been through what you’ve gone through.
But, if they trust me enough and not think of me as weird, I can help clear the path of your murky headache of a mess, but, will give you space to learn to move ahead by yourself.
That was partly why I wanted to be a psychologist at one point in time, but, then knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle it because I can feel what they feel (even though, it’s not even my life or I even have any relation to that person). and you don’t know how terrible it can be! 😦

If I come across a person who’s “acting” or someone who tries to hide their feelings.
You’ll be sure, I know it, but, I won’t say it unless someone asks for my opinion or unless they really need help to re-evaluate their path (even when they don’t notice they need it).
It depends.
/shrugs

Unfortunately, I do tend to fall ill when I’m bogged down with too much stress.
I get exhausted quickly because I like to go all out.
So busy with helping everything, but, myself.
But, I’ve learned to take a step down, for quite a while now.

I day dream… a lot.
I go in a daze and have visions of of what I want to do and where I want to be.
But, I’m a go-getter and re-evaluate my life every so often.
Thus, in my blog, I tend to show how much I think about it.
When I know what I want, I’ll go after it.

A perfectionist.
Wish I wasn’t one.
Been trying to deny this fact.
-.-”

Passion.
I’d be rich, if, I get a dollar for every time I talk about passion.
There has to be a reason to why I’m doing something.
I need to be passionate in my work, or, I’ll get disappointed and very restless!
I don’t like routines.

Alright… I’m done… for now.
Just taken my medication from being sick for 2 weeks now.
Need to rest.

 

❤ Icesabel

Dear Diary

Dear Diary, please tell me that I have to be more patient? That I can. That things will change for the better. Wait it out.

Dear Diary, I’m so unsure what to do next, but, I don’t even know if this is what I need.

Dear Diary, I’m not afraid. Just confused. Engulfed in a mess of too many wants.

Dear Diary, please tell me that it’ll be okay.

Dear Diary, now that I’m here, I’m slowly beginning to understand. Why some things didn’t work out. But yet, am still not in that moment where I’d know why and how it’d turned out eventually, “in the end”.

Dear Diary, it’s time to cap the pen. Good night.
❤ Icesabel

Need more than luck

I don’t know why I always do this.
Plan for so many things…. but, I just do.

I’m planning to apply for a Masters Scholarship early next month.
Just waiting for 2 more letter of recommendation from an ex-lecturer whom I had just graduated from, 4 months back (my one-year part-time diploma) and one of my former bosses who pretty much has left our Asia regional office to be a global director.
Then, it’s good to go, as I’ve already filled up most of the online form.

 

 

❤ Icesabel

 

 

 

Iceberg

Have you seen this picture before?


Going through the resumes and interviewing a few people to take over my Level 1 job scope, so that I can concentrate (and free from being overburdened with too much work) on the regional and global workload, I saw a lot of people trying to do a “short-cut” in their career timeline. Some… not all.

The funny thing is that all the interviewees that came in couldn’t answer my technical questions to the standard that I wanted. Not to say that I’m a pro, but, if you were to ask my past and current bosses/HR, I have a thing with problem-solving… well, they were the ones who told me what they noticed about me without me saying or in a few instances, asking.

We chose someone who is awesomely warm, quick on his toes, funny!!, honest (hey.. just tell me what you don’t know and don’t act as if you know and fail miserably at making up an answer!) and I can see him being genuine about wanting to learn. I love that in a person. I guess, it reminds me of me. I remember not knowing a thing back when I started off. But my love for learning and doing what I enjoy makes it all up… with time, dedication, lots of failures and picking myself up on my own, persistent and more. I’m more than willing to teach someone as long as they want to take the challenge up. As my career progressed, I’ve learned a lot on my own and by watching and learning from pros.

Ironically, I’m not exactly a good teacher. At least, that’s what I think. I don’t mind teaching, but, if I were to be expected to repeat numerous times even though I’ve gone through it thoroughly step by step, and the person doesn’t even bother to take notes and try to handle it on their own first (need to be spoon fed all the time), I’ll lose my cool. When I lose it… I mean it. Some people see it as me being impatient. I think I am (at times), but, doesn’t mean that I appreciate one to want to learn that the person expects everything to be in a book all nicely written for you (all on a silver platter). Take the initiative to work on the basis of what has been given and work at your own skills (strengths and weaknesses).

2 other points that I’ve noticed from the group, is when one expects to make a big jump when they couldn’t even give me a satisfactory answer (or be honest for that matter) or understand my question. Another of which prefer to segregate their skills into a silo rather than not minding to take up opportunities to learn that is outside of their main scope. By that, they are somewhat contradicting on the answer to my question of whether they prefer being innovative rather than doing a routine most of the time.

It might seem like a routine, at some angles, but, the steep learning curve for the initial 6 years or so, hasn’t been dull. Probably because I picked up so many different aspects of IT that sometimes does not directly need to have knowledge of. Just nice to have. But, proved to be useful now, because I’m trying out new skills. While a lot of people to be in a niche, because of me knowing a broader range of skills, people tend to lean on to me for pretty much everything (except that it eventually became too much because EVERYONE (from the lowest position to the highest, from all sorts of background) would rely on me, as if I knew how to handle anything.. which of course, I don’t know everything.. I’d still need to pick up knowledge, on the way. But, I’d still give it my best.

I was sort of scared that I’ve set the bar too high for anyone who would take over parts of my job. People would tell me that I handle things (one IT lead from a country office said I was faster than his broadband. lol) to a point that if I didn’t handle 4-5 requests in the same hour, they’d check up on me if I was okay. Don’t get me wrong, I do make mistakes (which I will apologise for), have ADHD (I can’t sit for a boring session or even an engaging meeting for more than 30 mins – I get agitated and stop listening) and I’m actually a very forgetful person (but have techniques to handle situations – but, some do get past that and be forgotten).

My counterparts from the other regions from Africa, America/carribean and Middle East/Eurasia have other awesome sets of skills, but, I love it when they rely on my for what they lack of (we help each other with what we’re good at – at least, used to… until 2 of the 5 of us, left). Which I love! I do love being in a room of people who are very smart… so smart that I ultimately feel redundant and stupid… actually. But, I try to pick on facts quickly afterwards.

Shucks… thinking about the 2 that has just left… made me feel down. Alright… I’d better end my blog. 😦 
❤ Icesabel

Sweep it clean

It all started when someone randomly commenting “that person must’ve wished he had studied harder”, as we walked past a cleaner who was sweeping the floor. A few days later, a cleaner was waiting in front of a crowd waiting for them to disperse, so that he could sweep the floor. A few days later, I was going to throw out the rubbish, the cleaner was at the bin clearing the stuff said “thank you” when I placed it in his big clearing bin. A few days later, someone complained about the mugs not being cleaned properly in the pantry as she picked up one to use. (If you hate it, then, wash that mug by yourself >_>)

I respect them, though. Not many would take up this job. Much less even be proud of what they are doing (although, the topic of a low salary is another matter). Without them, a lot of public places would’ve been filthy.

My late grandfather used to be a cleaner at the airport when I was very young, but, retired when I was much older. Thus, pretty much his last job. He would usually work the midnight shift and would tell me and my siblings scary stories of what happened in the quiet toilets that people wouldn’t visit at around that time. (I believe in the supernatural because I’ve been disturbed many times throughout my lifetime.) Sometimes, he would bring us around the airport and told us the places he would work at. I’ve always look up to him. He worked honestly. A times, he would cycle me to school and my mother wouldn’t like it, because, he loved to cycle on the main road where the buses and cars would buzz by without caring about the pedestrians. Once, he cycled all way back and to school because I’ve forgotten to bring my art file to school. I’ve never heard him complain about anything.

A quiet strong man who spoke little. He knew that I loved soft toys, so, he would pick up thrown away teddies by the rubbish bin, washed them well, sew it and gave them to me. My grandma would ask on why he’d bring back so many things, but, left it be after a while. Sometimes when they got dirty, he’d say that it’s time to wash them all up and we’d throw them all in the washing machine and he would help peg them up to dry. A handyman who would pick up things that people threw away and made them into really useful things like handles on doors using pieces of metal and wood and faulty fans to work again. I would awe and wonder how he knew how to do so much. Who would’ve known, that, it’d rubbed on me. I love fixing stuff. More to technology, though.

He may have a job that some people despise or not even look at as a human being. Cleaning toilets and sweeping around. People not being thankful for and instead complain even further about something not being done perfectly. But from what I see, it’s an honest job and he does it with all that he can give. His family might’ve been very poor most of his life, but, they got through it. The most important thing is that the family ties remain and we’re happy, even with the troves of problems life always bring upon to everyone.

One might think that being “up there” or rich is important. But, even if you get to travel to places and own many things, you can still feel empty, fake, lost or sad deep within. Well… unless, you’re one of those oblivious people who owns not an once of humanity within. =X Don’t be too busy chasing after materialistic goals all the time that eventually, lose track of time and relationships.

Don’t look down upon others, because everyone does have a purpose (unless… they’re pure evil… but, still has an agenda). You’ll never know that the cleaner whom you were nice to helped you in return years later, without you knowing. Kindness trickles down. Respect begets respect.

 

❤ Icesabel

2016… bday…

Today’s my birthday (25th dec) and 2016 has been mostly unkind to me. Been given trails after trials. Exhausted. So much so that I can’t even cry anymore.

My husband’s grandpa just passed away an hour back. I’ve known his family as long as I’ve been with him for the past 13 years. After being married, I moved in to his grandparent’s house as he has been staying there his whole life (while we wait for our own house to be ready). The only other person I saw in my dream who passed away peacefully was my late grandpa who took care of me when I was young. I had a dream last night that his grandpa passed on peacefully. I would never blame anyone for this day (my bday). I just hope his family can be strong, the way I broke down for months (quietly by myself) when my grandpa passed on. May all of you be in Jannah.

I failed my certification exam earlier this week. A turnaround from my 3As for my diploma which I graduated from about 2 months back. Told the person who wanted to hire me once I got that cert my bad news and thanked him anyway. God bless him for showing support, though.

During those weeks, I was having a hell ride with the new director.

During that, HR didn’t see me as loyal and I was the only one not given the 5 years appreciation because I was away for 3 months.

Before that, I was breaking down because of the amount of stress, as I was handling so much work alone. Something HQ will be looking into next year, though.

For the first time in my life, I nearly fainted in the train and experienced that close-to-blackout moment because I was low on sugar, on the way to work.

Before that, someone made me missed my morning prayers during the morning of Eid Mubarak because she decided that her family matters, which had no conclusion, dragged on for hours. I was very disappointed. I wouldn’t mind if it was resolved, but, if it’s meant to be only about fighting for hours to no point of closure. It’s a waste of time. Especially on  a day when I can only do once a year.

Earlier this year, I didn’t get to be the best IT because I wasn’t working after office hours, public holidays and weekends. When I was the one handling all except HQ stuff for the global team before the regional team was formed.
It would be unfair to my life’s book to only state out the negative. I did get my diploma, after a year’s of hard work. I travelled to UK twice and Thailand twice. I got selected for emergency response training. I made more close friends. I have my health (except for that moment) and still have what I need to carry on. I  have my family. I’m going to have my own place, eventually. Still have a roof over my head and good food.

Hubby said that I should put in more priority to our house, knowing well I’m saving up to go Mecca with my mum. For all I know, I would prioritise my time with my mum and God. Not to say I won’t find a way to pay everything else. But, my mum’s already 60+ and there might not be another chance to do what I’ve always wanted to (she already declined my offer many times before). If there’s a will, there’s a way.

I have no idea how I can be so positive throughout all these mess. For all I know, I’ve always been scared that the depression that once wanted to take my life years ago, would come back. Maybe I’m tired of being weak and allowing issues to take over. I don’t know.

I don’t care if others don’t understand the theory or reasoning (unless they’ve been there). All I know is, I love God and that is enough.
❤ Icesabel

Hur dur

Ok, let’s get this out of my chest. I’ve just failed the exam for this specialised certification. Self-studied for hours a day during my leave, for the past few weeks. Apparently, getting 60+% for each section isn’t enough.

Plan was to get accepted to a job offer should I get this cert, but, fate has it that it could either be the wrong time slot or there’s a better place for me to go to. I’m not going to be an arse for not telling him my results and straight up thanking him for keeping me in mind for his upcoming projects. I had a gut feeling that I won’t make it and I said to myself that if I couldn’t, then, going over there isn’t meant to be. 

I was about to cry when I left the exam room. Got to admit, being a perfectionist does suck, at times like these. But realised that the only loss was that I wouldn’t be able to get out of the rut (current place) and that one of my bosses was the one who paid for the exam. I mean, it could’ve been worse (others have it tougher than me) and I still have a hell hole to stick to for a little longer.

Got to get gud and grasp the concepts of that other 40%. Paying for the fees isn’t the biggest issue, it’s about $400, I think. Though I’d prefer to save more for my trip to Mecca with my parents, as much as possible, for Umrah.

Oh well… dwindling over it won’t solve my problems. I’d like to think that the “Assasins Creed” movie is waiting for me. (Already caught Rogue One last week, which was AWESOME!).
❤ Icesabel

Jsbehrvcrbs

I can’t take it anymore. I keep telling myself it’s fine, but honestly, HR is f up. Just because I left for 3 months, I’m not entitled to the 5-years service to the organisation, which was given out yesterday. Really…

That’s like saying you’re not loyal enough to get it because of that short-term “sabbatical” disappearance.

I was already heart-broken from earlier this year, when they chose the best IT due to the number of tickets picked instead of the quality (which was because he worked out of office hours and weekends too). I gave my 110% (but, with my own me time when I’m off work) and even when all the people from all levels told me otherwise, it still sucks.

The thanks I get.

Apart from someone from a high post trying to cause some kind of problem for me. (was warned that the person might even backstab me). I have done nothing wrong or bad to anyone. If anyone were to know me, I avoid conflict like a plague because, I just want to be happy. Even when shit comes by, I still went without making a ruckus. Even when I did everything myself for level 1, 2 and 3. I don’t even know why I’m nice enough to want to help the future person who’d take over my job(hopefully to move on soon) and get blasted off by the management. One of them asked me back on why I’m doing HQ work too when they can get outside help. “What?”. Do I need to explain, granually?

That’s not for my benefit, people. If I wanted to benefit for myself, I shouldn’t be in a NGO and wanting to sincerely help people.

All I want now is truly to move on soon. It hurts like hell. I don’t know why “incompetent” HR from other companies cannot see how much I can give and instead ask me to stay here because there are more “opportunities” here. Unfortuntely, I cannot disclose the opportunistic part of it. People don’t want passionate, trustworthy, loyal and smart people. They want what’s on the paper. They want “experience” which could just plainly mean the person could simply be sitting on the job for the past few years. They want what they want to hear, who they know and like, they want what fits their motives.

I just hope that some day, I’ll work with truly passionate and intelligent people who knows what is worthy. Because the ones who push me off is definitely not where I would want to be in (from the way they treat interviewees).

“I’d rather be the stupidest person in the room.”
❤ Icesabel