The “Nothing” Box

Just a 5 mins vid~
But, so hilarious… so true…

Once in a while, it’d occur to me that a lot of the times, I’ve a guy’s brain rather than a girl’s.
But, didn’t think too much of it after a while.

People say that women tend to be able to multi-task, well, unless it’s on my fave subject at work, I can’t!
Since young, I can never study whilst listen to music or doing something else.
I needed complete silence and shut off from the world entirely.
Even now, if someone were to talk to me and I’m doing something, I’d have to drop one of it off.
I’m not that super woman who’s able to iron the clothes while watching a show while talking on the phone.
I wish I can though.
It’s be awesome.

Can’t help it that I grew up and lived through my life being with the guys most of the time.
Thus, my love for stuff and hobbies tend to stray to the guys section.
Reason why I feel so awkward around girls or ladies, especially strangers or those I just got to know of…
Is because I have close to no similar interests as girls.
I don’t watch tv, not a fan of those boy-band stuff, bla bla..
99% of the time, they do not understand why and what’s so fascinating about a a whole group of men running after a ball – soccer, they raise an eyebrow if they were to know I spend more time gaming than anything else and would side with their kids rather than them (you know moms), bla bla…

When every other girl was so inclined with every girly job/career or trying to find a rich bf/husband,
I was dreaming of living in a server room and fixing all kinds of technical stuff.
>_<
Oh yeah… still a heaven to stay in server room… I always find peace in one (except for those messy ones)… well, uhmm.. other than having to freeze to death after staying in that haven.
Ok.. well, some girls go towards the software side… they don’t like the nitty gritty of hardware mess.
That’s what I love, baby.

The quarrelling part?
You know… every couples have fights.
I applied work to my normal life.
Even those who just met me have said to me “you’re a troubleshooter from the way you ask for the answers”.
I don’t stray off a subject or bring another subject in.

But, like other women, everything is still wired up to each other.
So, if it’s something that doesn’t need “solving” and is just a petty thing, I tend to bring feelings in.
Unless that full-fledge emotions decide to invade reality and cloud my thoughts.
You know where that leads to.

Then, there’s this “empty” box?
Who says all women don’t have it? Really?
I DO!!
I can just suddenly go brain dead, think of nothing and smile like a crazy girl.
Enjoying nothingness.
Pure nothingness.
No… not even “fishing”… you’re still doing something.
I’ll just sit with a blank slate of mind and become a zombie.
It’s not even when I’m tired.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to reach out to nothingness when I have an overload of “too much of everything”.

Yet, my hubby would tell people that I don’t bother his me-time.
His nothingness moment.
Just because I love my nothing box as well.

They’d say, “wait ’til you have kids”.
How about… nope!
/sigh
I know… I know… but, not now.

<3 Icesabel

Morning? Bahhh~

Arghhhhh…. why are there so many morning people around???!!!!

I don’t really mean it, but, when I’m finally fully awake much later in the morning (aka nearly noon)…
Then, I realise what I’ve done and feel ashamed of my attitude and it happens again the next morning.
lol?

</3 Icesabel

A Little Bit of Something =D

No sappy posts today.
=)

I received an email from a winner of one of my past games giveaways, back in 2013 (I double-checked!)
Whoahh.. it’s been a long time since I did that.
Not that I didn’t want to, but, my finances has been tight for the past year.

Anyway…
He wanted to update me that things were looking up and going so much better in his life.
Better school.. improved lifestyle and… *drum rolls* a new laptop!
Congrats!! <3

You’re right.
I don’t know you… technically, I don’t need to know.
But, thank you for telling me.
So happy for you!

If my memory serves me well, I did mention it last time that I was hoping it would turn out to be a “pay it forward” thing.
What it means is that some day, when things are going great for you, you’ll spare some time or change for others to put a smile on their faces as well.

There was also someone else who gave me a free key to a game on steam a couple of months.
Didn’t thank you enough.
Wasn’t expecting anything in return, but, thank you.

Give me a shout-out if you want your names to be put in this post.

And yeah… my boss did give me a free steam game the other day when I was stressed to death and feeling so sick.

If life gets better for me (financially stable again), I’ll do the giveaways again.
XD
I really wanted to do one end of last year, but, with the wedding and the extra expenses incurred, I had to put it aside.

By the way… Happy Chinese New Year!
Hur hur hur.. not that I celebrate CNY, but, 2 days of public holiday on top of the upcoming weekend!
Who wouldn’t appreciate that long holiday? XD

CNY2015

<3 Icesabel

It’s talking to itself

Was told that people like me are “killing ourselves”.
I replied with “I know”.

It’s been a week since I sent in my resignation letter that I withdrew the next day.
With a verbal agreement that I’d stay until the end of this month to see if things will change.
I must’ve been a b**ch for them to tell me I’m needed.
It wasn’t about that.
I was overworked and frustrated.

Don’t know how or why, but, even someone who I didn’t talk to told me he felt sorry for me.
That the truth was that there were tons of problems piled up for years and he can see them dump everything to me… in 2 weeks to rectify a whole lot.
The last part surprised me.
“It’s not worth it losing your sleep over this”.
Note that I’ve not spoken to him.
Only once to check on his computer and he was asking a couple of things.

Maybe I’ve became an open book for the first few weeks.
Was going bonkers in the inside, but, smiling on the outside.
Exhausted…. yes… exhausted every single day.. except for Sunday when I could really rest, but, the thought of Monday creeps in and makes me lethargic all over again.

I didn’t even see that I’ve done much, but, they said I did.
That’s when I was told that this will “kill” me.
My perfectionism is back full-fledged after years of being mostly dormant.
I’m afraid.
Because at times, my head talks so much that I nearly blurt things out verbally of the train of thoughts.
It’ll make me seem like a crazy person talking to myself, in public.

Yet, my head could solve problems that I’ve never came across before.
I’ve never used a couple of the applications.
In fact, they were so customised that I had to do trial and errors on all their programs.
Yeah.. I’m half IT applications and half IT operations now, instead of my years of being in operations or programming/designing.
In the midst of handling the chaotic operations side.
And…
It’s only been 3 weeks!
Not to mention the other night when I dreamt of the solution to a problem?
I shouldn’t even be surprised if I do go a little cuckoo.

It’s sad that I can’t control it fully.
Even more sad that I didn’t nurture it when I was younger and had “lesser” burdens and problems.

But, a part of me says it’s not worth it.
Pushing on this hard.

At times, I love the thrill.
I love it when I achieve my goals and to cross over the roadblocks.
I love it that I’m learning a lot in such a short time.

But, it’s draining my energy too quickly as well.
Thus, at times, I become so angry.
Then, I hear that voice echoing “I can’t do this any more”.

*Although, I got this going (below)… which is nice*
The other day, when all was nearly lost and before I sent that notice…
I was with a group who used to be in one of my past jobs.
Most of them didn’t know me since I left 4 years back and they were the newer batch.
One said that it was surprising to see things put into order and perfection when he joined.
Someone replied, it was me (ermm.. not the person) who had placed the foundation.
They used to be in chaos as well.

These are the reasons why I’d say that I know it’s killing me, but, I won’t change.
The results last long after I’m gone.
It’s not that I don’t want to change.
I do love as much as I hate.
Yet, I don’t know why this time around, it’s a little too much.

Come to think of it…
On the last day of my last job…
(Don’t remember the conversation) But, when I said I’m a Capricorn.
They said… they know.

What the chocolate fudge~
Was I always like this?
An open book even when I rarely talk to them?

>_>

Okay… I’m going to do some laundry and off to bed early.
Tired.

<3 Icesabel

Dreams

I know that I’ve been too stressed when I even dreamt of work last night.
It was a peaceful one though.

Dreamt of the solution to a problem I was facing with the day before!
When I woke up, I thought to myself… That has to be the answer I needed.
First thing I did when I reached the office was do that.
It worked.

Hmmm…
Either my brain works better with a clearer head when I slept last night or it’s working overtime unconsciously or… Well… I’ve been praying to find the answer.

Hectic weeks.
Worse of all, I accidentally dropped my iPhone 5S and the whole screen cracked.
Shucks…
I’ve got a spare Samsung galaxy, but, I want my apps.
:(
Sigh…

Going to zzzz…
Nightz peeps!

<3 Icesabel

I’ll let you set the pace ’cause I’m not thinking straight

Ellie Goulding – Love Me Like You Do

You’re the light, you’re the night
You’re the color of my blood
You’re the cure, you’re the pain
You’re the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

You’re the fear, I don’t care
‘Cause I’ve never been so high
Follow me to the dark
Let me take you past our satellites
You can see the world you brought to life, to life

So love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Fading in, fading out
On the edge of paradise
Every inch of your skin is a holy grail I’ve got to find
Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire
Yeah, I’ll let you set the pace
‘Cause I’m not thinking straight
My head spinning around I can’t see clear no more
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do)
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah)
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

I’ll let you set the pace
‘Cause I’m not thinking straight
My head spinning around I can’t see clear no more
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do)
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah)
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do)
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah)
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Halt!

Guess the mess still goes on.
Got frustrated to the point that I ranted everything out to one of my bosses just now.

Too sick today.
Feeling like a total loser when I shouldn’t because it isn’t in my control.
I actually wanted to tell him I wanted to send in my resignation today.
Instead, he went on and on telling me about the possibilities of getting everything right.
That I didn’t get to say much.

Then, he gave me an assignment to hand in a report in 12 hours on the Deus Ex game he had been raving about, so, that I wouldn’t be thinking about work.
Great… Now, I’m at home feeling sick and frustrated… With a homework.

Well, better than having to face the problems at work.
Hmmm… The perks of having a boss who used to be a gamer?

The downfall of me who’s too much of a workaholic and a perfectionist.
Ok… I’ll give the game a try.
I wanted to play D3 though…

<3 Icesabel

De-bump

My heart keeps on beating so quickly.
All I can think of is the things that has been going on… Playing like an old record.
Giving me stress to no end.

Been playing my heart out the last 2 days and although, it does relieves some of it, I can’t shake the rest of it off.
Sigh.
Can’t believe that a part of my brain keeps telling me to give up and find something else.
But… But… I don’t want to be a quitter at this point of time.
It’ll tarnish my image that I’ve built for myself for a few years now.

Is this because of the fact that a few weeks back, I met up with my tertiary classmates.
There were 5 of us girls and amongst us, 2 of them don’t need to work since they have a rich hubby/family.

I’m like.. I wish I can go on a long holiday as well.
I wish I need not work this hard.
What exactly am I achieving?

It struck me that I was just creating goals to move on in life.
Making things work depending on the situation.
A part of me wished that I did that jump to migrate a few years back.
I should’ve told my young self to go for it.

I don’t exactly hate my life right now.
But, I do notice that there are times when I get so morbid, my thoughts go into a frenzy and start to imagine what life would be without being around.
But, they’re only passing thoughts, so, it’ll end in a couple of seconds and I forget about it.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know what I really want yet.
Not entirely.

My initial plan was to find that other path to leave my current field.
But, since I didn’t have time to do so and considering the circumstances, I had to set up a plan B.
Thought it would be fun.
But, it’s sucking out all my energy and positivity.

So much so that I ask myself whether this will be worth it.

It takes me to the other side of life.
As I start watching others with their lives.
As if I’ve been placing myself in other people’s shoes from all walks of life as I see them on my way to my destinations.

In itself, trying to understand what certain things really meant for them… And maybe can be applied to me somehow.

I’ve been stalled.
By my own feelings.
All I can do is try my best.
The worst that can happen is for me to walk away.

So, yeah… Sigh…

</3 Icesabel

Such a rush

Exhausted!

The new job…
There were so many things to handle.
So many things left hanging.
Chaotic enough that I didn’t have access to even those of a normal user to have.

So many policies that I want to set up to rule out the problems.
Dateline is too tight for the rest of the projects.

Since they started a new project a week before I joined, I went for the training from 9pm to 1am in the office, with some of the guys.
They were having it in the European time slot.
I do get to go in the office at 12pm, but, it’s still draining my energy.

So far, it seems that they have this running thingy after work every Tuesday, for running enthusiasts.
There’ll be a company trip in March to Vietnam, for the Asia countries.
The guys from the European side will get to travel to other places.

The guys are asking me to travel to Zurich, Switzerland to get everything settled in with the systems.
Not sure when that’ll be, but, we’ll want it soon, considering all the issues right now.

Realised that everyone likes the CEO a lot.
But, here I am stressed to death because he gave me a 2-weeks dateline to do a couple of things.
Which I think will need extensions because it’ll depend on the vendors/suppliers speed of response.
Was told that it was probably because he expects a lot from me.
*Hmmm…. yeah… I’m sooooo dead, if that is so*
Heh~
I do notice that he likes to challenge me once in a while.
He does have a good extensive amount of IT knowledge considering that they used to be a consultant company for IT thingy.. still didn’t catch it fully.. had to catch the facts here and there by my own.
In some ways, it makes me feel unwanted… like as though I’m not good enough.
But, maybe it’s just the stress that’s making me tired and thinking negatively at times.

Ah well… I need this rest right now.

<3 Icesabel

*feeling loved

2015/01/img_6021.jpg

Woke up early today, but, went back to bed at noon.
At 2, after going to the washroom, got dizzy and broke into a cold sweat.
/sigh
The first day of period.
Could barely stand and was feeling like the whole world was spinning.
The pain in my lower abdomen was excruciating.
Lying down flat on the bed in pain.
Tears welling up and I couldn’t move much.
Then, came Nel, my girl kitty.
She jumped up on the bed and walked towards me.
Rubbing her warm body around.
Then, she laid down beside my face.
Even in pain, I thought that she wanted a neck rub.
But, she kept pushing my hand away.
Instead, I let her put her front warm paws on the side of my cheeks.
Patting me for a sec and just held my face.
I stayed in the flat position the whole while… In awful pain.. Yet, relieved.
She walked one round around me, from my head to my feet and back… Whilst softly brushing past her warm body on mine.
All I could do was cry in pain.. While she kept looking back at me.
Then she licked my face before lying down and placed the back of her head on the side of my face.
Looking at me upwards.
Softly purring.
She stayed there for some time before she walked off and I fell into slumber.
When I woke up, I saw her wake up, sprawled on the floor, slowly wriggling towards me and walked to me whilst mewing softly.
Why does it feel like I can hear her ask me “how do you feel?”?
I gave her a neck rub and hugged her.

Gave her dinner and since I felt much better, I went out to buy her some treats.

Weird thing is that, like most cats who are oblivious to humans and are douchebag kings, she’s usually like so.
She rarely likes people to touch her, much less even purr at all unless she wants attention.
Out of the blue, she became my bestfriend when I needed comfort the most.
Giving me those eyes filled with concern.
She reminds me of me.
A hard-stone exterior bitch who doesn’t like people to touch (not a huggable person) or prefer my me-time rather than talk to others, but, melt when something touches my easily touched heart. Stupid me.
How can I not love her even more?
/sigh

I’ve had different cats my whole life.
My family loves them.
Although, there were a few who were close to me, did not budge no matter the mood… Only minding their own business.
Nel… Named after Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck, ex-3rd Espada of Bleach. <3

<3 Icesabel

Je suis Charlie?

Terrorism is not condoned by everyone.
I absolutely agree.

But, I’m…

Tired of hearing about people hating Islam or Muslims as a whole (lumped into these groups of extremists, whether or not they’re real Muslims).

Tired of hearing about people caring more about religions vs religions vs atheists, when it’s about the innocent lives being stolen away.

I have a question though.

What exactly is this “freedom of speech”?
Does people not understand that there’s a thin line between freedom and respect?

Let’s say that I know that you hate it, when, I show my middle finger at you.
I do it anyway because of my “freedom of expression”.
You get pissed. (Of course, you still have the choice between doing something negative towards me in return or letting it go)
But, you decide to scold me because you felt disrespected. (It could’ve been something other than mere scolding)

In these times where different religions, race and creed live in one planet called Earth.
Your either choose to respect another person’s choices (as long as it aligns with everyone’s – as peacefully as possible) or you don’t.

In this case, why did they provoke others in the first place?
Because of freedom of expression?
Did they think of the consequences of their actions?
Already knowing well of the situation of the world right now?

If you won’t like it when someone does something you didn’t like.
Don’t do the same onto others.

Although, no one has the right to take the life of another, either way

One group’s fault for killing.
One group’s fault for taunting/provoking and not respecting other people’s beliefs.
The rest are at fault at blaming between religions or sects, etc rather than focusing on the loss of the innocent lives. Probably turn towards an “eye for an eye” and their justice based on their own judgements, clouded by sadness and anger.

lt;/3 Icesabel

F* u n u n u n u

I was buying dinner to bring back home.

My eyes watered and couldn’t hold back a tear.. conscious enough as to be in the middle of a crowded place.

Just because I saw an old lady… bent down, limping slowly whilst doing work.
Doing work at such an age!
She doesn’t even look fit to work.
F*…
The people governing who doesn’t give a care about everyone else on earth.
They’re living in their ivory tower with dirty money in their hands…
Virus in their blood and dirt in their mouth.

IDIOTS!

I pray and hope that some day, all those freaking idiots will burn on earth before they go to hell and after death, will burn in hell for eternity.

Not everyone is blinded by the truth.

</3 Icesabel