2016… bday…

Today’s my birthday (25th dec) and 2016 has been mostly unkind to me. Been given trails after trials. Exhausted. So much so that I can’t even cry anymore.

My husband’s grandpa just passed away an hour back. I’ve known his family as long as I’ve been with him for the past 13 years. After being married, I moved in to his grandparent’s house as he has been staying there his whole life (while we wait for our own house to be ready). The only other person I saw in my dream who passed away peacefully was my late grandpa who took care of me when I was young. I had a dream last night that his grandpa passed on peacefully. I would never blame anyone for this day (my bday). I just hope his family can be strong, the way I broke down for months (quietly by myself) when my grandpa passed on. May all of you be in Jannah.

I failed my certification exam earlier this week. A turnaround from my 3As for my diploma which I graduated from about 2 months back. Told the person who wanted to hire me once I got that cert my bad news and thanked him anyway. God bless him for showing support, though.

During those weeks, I was having a hell ride with the new director.

During that, HR didn’t see me as loyal and I was the only one not given the 5 years appreciation because I was away for 3 months.

Before that, I was breaking down because of the amount of stress, as I was handling so much work alone. Something HQ will be looking into next year, though.

For the first time in my life, I nearly fainted in the train and experienced that close-to-blackout moment because I was low on sugar, on the way to work.

Before that, someone made me missed my morning prayers during the morning of Eid Mubarak because she decided that her family matters, which had no conclusion, dragged on for hours. I was very disappointed. I wouldn’t mind if it was resolved, but, if it’s meant to be only about fighting for hours to no point of closure. It’s a waste of time. Especially on  a day when I can only do once a year.

Earlier this year, I didn’t get to be the best IT because I wasn’t working after office hours, public holidays and weekends. When I was the one handling all except HQ stuff for the global team before the regional team was formed.
It would be unfair to my life’s book to only state out the negative. I did get my diploma, after a year’s of hard work. I travelled to UK twice and Thailand twice. I got selected for emergency response training. I made more close friends. I have my health (except for that moment) and still have what I need to carry on. I  have my family. I’m going to have my own place, eventually. Still have a roof over my head and good food.

Hubby said that I should put in more priority to our house, knowing well I’m saving up to go Mecca with my mum. For all I know, I would prioritise my time with my mum and God. Not to say I won’t find a way to pay everything else. But, my mum’s already 60+ and there might not be another chance to do what I’ve always wanted to (she already declined my offer many times before). If there’s a will, there’s a way.

I have no idea how I can be so positive throughout all these mess. For all I know, I’ve always been scared that the depression that once wanted to take my life years ago, would come back. Maybe I’m tired of being weak and allowing issues to take over. I don’t know.

I don’t care if others don’t understand the theory or reasoning (unless they’ve been there). All I know is, I love God and that is enough.
❤ Icesabel

Hur dur

Ok, let’s get this out of my chest. I’ve just failed the exam for this specialised certification. Self-studied for hours a day during my leave, for the past few weeks. Apparently, getting 60+% for each section isn’t enough.

Plan was to get accepted to a job offer should I get this cert, but, fate has it that it could either be the wrong time slot or there’s a better place for me to go to. I’m not going to be an arse for not telling him my results and straight up thanking him for keeping me in mind for his upcoming projects. I had a gut feeling that I won’t make it and I said to myself that if I couldn’t, then, going over there isn’t meant to be. 

I was about to cry when I left the exam room. Got to admit, being a perfectionist does suck, at times like these. But realised that the only loss was that I wouldn’t be able to get out of the rut (current place) and that one of my bosses was the one who paid for the exam. I mean, it could’ve been worse (others have it tougher than me) and I still have a hell hole to stick to for a little longer.

Got to get gud and grasp the concepts of that other 40%. Paying for the fees isn’t the biggest issue, it’s about $400, I think. Though I’d prefer to save more for my trip to Mecca with my parents, as much as possible, for Umrah.

Oh well… dwindling over it won’t solve my problems. I’d like to think that the “Assasins Creed” movie is waiting for me. (Already caught Rogue One last week, which was AWESOME!).
❤ Icesabel

Jsbehrvcrbs

I can’t take it anymore. I keep telling myself it’s fine, but honestly, HR is f up. Just because I left for 3 months, I’m not entitled to the 5-years service to the organisation, which was given out yesterday. Really…

That’s like saying you’re not loyal enough to get it because of that short-term “sabbatical” disappearance.

I was already heart-broken from earlier this year, when they chose the best IT due to the number of tickets picked instead of the quality (which was because he worked out of office hours and weekends too). I gave my 110% (but, with my own me time when I’m off work) and even when all the people from all levels told me otherwise, it still sucks.

The thanks I get.

Apart from someone from a high post trying to cause some kind of problem for me. (was warned that the person might even backstab me). I have done nothing wrong or bad to anyone. If anyone were to know me, I avoid conflict like a plague because, I just want to be happy. Even when shit comes by, I still went without making a ruckus. Even when I did everything myself for level 1, 2 and 3. I don’t even know why I’m nice enough to want to help the future person who’d take over my job(hopefully to move on soon) and get blasted off by the management. One of them asked me back on why I’m doing HQ work too when they can get outside help. “What?”. Do I need to explain, granually?

That’s not for my benefit, people. If I wanted to benefit for myself, I shouldn’t be in a NGO and wanting to sincerely help people.

All I want now is truly to move on soon. It hurts like hell. I don’t know why “incompetent” HR from other companies cannot see how much I can give and instead ask me to stay here because there are more “opportunities” here. Unfortuntely, I cannot disclose the opportunistic part of it. People don’t want passionate, trustworthy, loyal and smart people. They want what’s on the paper. They want “experience” which could just plainly mean the person could simply be sitting on the job for the past few years. They want what they want to hear, who they know and like, they want what fits their motives.

I just hope that some day, I’ll work with truly passionate and intelligent people who knows what is worthy. Because the ones who push me off is definitely not where I would want to be in (from the way they treat interviewees).

“I’d rather be the stupidest person in the room.”
❤ Icesabel

Umrah

*excited* My mum asked me, if, the plan to go Umrah is still on for next year. She was a bit skeptical about me going last year. She kept telling me to go with my hubby, instead of with them (my parents). But, he didn’t wish to, so… yeah! I’m going with my MUM! In Sya Allah. YES!!! 

Don’t ask me why I’m super excited when it’s not confirmed yet. Have not booked anything. But, I have this huge yearning to go with her, for some time now. If not Hajj, then Umrah would be nice. Don’t think I’m wholly ready for the full fledged Hajj, though. My mum’s done Hajj once and Umrah a few times.

The dream of all Muslims. To go Hajj, or at least Umrah first. 💕 If you don’t already know, Hajj (pilgrimage) is one of the 5 pillars of Islam, although, this one isn’t compulsory as not everyone can afford to travel there.

Things are looking up… even with all the negative things that has been happening lately, especially today. 😔 
❤ Icesabel

La… lalalala…

There are 2 things that I truly want to do, in this lifetime. (Apart from the one I want after this).

Unfortunately, I suck at one and I’m just starting out on the other. Oh great… 😒 I sound dumb right now. Not sure whether my period is coming (pms kicking in) or it’s the meds, because, I’m sick today.

I know that I can’t have both. Neither do I have the luxury of time to invest in the fore. If only I could turn back time and change something. 😖

I don’t mind living in the glory of the latter, but… well… if it’ll ever come to fruition, that is. Here I am… wondering how… why… when… etc. Then I remembered the time when I was 15. When I knew nuts of what I wanted to do. Following my instinct to do something, of a working field, that is still pretty new in the 90s. Without anyone to look up to or any direction, I jumped into the bandwagon. Best decision ever… rocky road ahead, but, I got what I wanted, which is where I am now. Now that I’m tired of walking this pathway and planning to shift, I’m forced to wonder again. This time, with more uncertainty, as I have more responsibilities, at hand.

What I want to do next isn’t exactly a mainstream dream. There isn’t a safety net borne with it. It’s like going after a wild chase of what could be nothing and probably, a dangerous road. I asked myself as to why and all that voice ever replied with was the thrill.

I hope that some day, in the far future, I’ll be able to write in direct translation of where I’m heading to. Thing is, people can only see the waves of my sea. Planning to keep that way until I can get to where I wish to be. Until then, I guess I have to work my ass off from the bottom again and hope for the best.

Blah…
❤ Icesabel

Friday Off Day

Was planning for a longer trip on Friday, but, I was caught with fever on Thursday evening.

I eventually went out to Haji Lane to have lunch (tried out a new restaurant I read about online) in the late afternoon and bought my birthday dress at Bugis. Went home after that, though. Felt too groggy.

Still sick with flu and sore throat today… I don’t exactly have the mood to do anything. Even watching youtube, in bed, makes me feel sick. 😭

Oh… about the birthday dress…

Well, every year, I buy a new set of clothes specially for my birthday. So, I won’t use it until on my birthday and after that. 😬 No idea why, but, it makes me happy every year. 😂 
❤ Icesabel

HOTA

Human Organ Transplant Act.

I think I did receive the forms to opt-out years back, but, I can’t remember what I selected. 😐 It had been made an auto opt-in unless you decide to opt-out of donating your organs after you passed on.

It caused some people to be upset after finding out that their next of kin’s organs were to be donated, even though the family refuted. It felt more like their posession is being taken away without consent, due to lack of awareness, that it’s being set as auto opt-in for everyone. Most of whom, my fellow brothers and sisters in Islam, who’d prefer to opt-out. As there seems to be 2 school of thoughts, on whether it is permissible.

It is not wrong for one to choose whether you’d wish or do not wish to donate. It’s your choice. 👍🏼

Just an informed choice to eradicate the feeling of violation of rights.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind, if it’d help someone (In fact, indirectly helping their family. Who knows, they’re the only breadwinner?). Well, since I can’t even donate blood due to being underweight (all my life), in addition to being hypoglycaemia. 😖

Lots of love, all. Please do not condemn on either choice and only be biased to one end. There’s a thing called choice, what we believe in and respect to others’. 💕

❤ Icesabel

Quiet down sadness… shhh…

Too much info from different sources and honestly, I don’t care anymore.

Some directors want to talk to me, but, I’ve decided to try to avoid them for the next 2 weeks and then, “enjoy” my 3 weeks of leave for the rest of the year. Heh.. have an exam to study right before my birthday.

It’ll be fruitless, for sure. Waste of my time. If they’ve already planned what they want, then, go ahead. I’m out of here. Draining my energy and nothing but negativity is coming from this. Do what you want, people. I’m not being heard anyway. Most of us aren’t.
</3 Icesabel